We only knew you for a short 14 & 1/2 weeks. But, we love you more than life itself. My sweet, angel baby, I can think of nothing else, but you today. You made the biggest impact on our lives. We will never be the same since loving and losing you. The only comfort We have today is knowing the first thing you saw when you opened your eyes was Jesus. We miss you, so much.
That will never change, that will never stop. We had just heard your heart beating strong and loud just 4 days prior to learning you had left us. On Sunday, your Aunt Ryan did an ultrasound and we were going to confirm our suspicions of you being a boy :) but, when she pulled you up on the screen, you weren't moving, and we couldn't find your heartbeat. I was a little nervous, but I convinced myself the machine was too old and you were sleeping, so of course we couldn't see much. I was nervous all weekend long, but we were in Tulsa and I knew I couldn't freak out too much. So as soon as we got home Monday afternoon I grabbed my Doppler and searched for your heartbeat. I searched for a good ten minutes and I started to panic, because I knew just where you were. I called my doctors office and told them I couldn't find your heartbeat. They told me it was sometimes normal not to find a heartbeat this early. But I assured her I knew just where you were and I could not find you. The nurse could tell I was terrified, so she told me I could come in and they would find the heartbeat for me, to ease my mind.
Your daddy and I drove as fast as we could to the doctors office. I was in tears and terrified the whole time. When we got there, they took my right back. The nurse had me lie back and searched for the heartbeat. At this point, I knew something was not right. She said she thought she found it, but it as only 120bpm. I knew this wasn't you she found, you always around a 167bpm. She said she'd go see if the ultrasound tech was still there, that would just be easier. But, I knew, you were gone. I waited in the ultrasound room, afraid and in tears, just waiting to hear the awful words I never dreamed I'd hear. Dr. Hardman came in and pulled your sweet little peaceful body up on the ultrasound machine. You weren't moving, no heartbeat. My world came to a screeching halt. She apologized, said you'd stopped growing at 12.5 weeks. I told her you just had a strong heartbeat 4 days earlier. She assured me you had just left us a few days prior to this.
They explained the d&c procedure, I said I wanted it done ASAP. I couldn't live another day with your lifeless little body inside me. I wanted you home with Jesus for good. I never thought losing someone I had only known for 4 months could hurt so intensely. We never imagined we would love you, without holding you, without kissing your chubby cheeks, without spending any time with you. But, we did. We do. We always will.
I had the d&c procedure done the following day. Your aunt Ryan, Nena, and Nana all came up to spend the day with us. They helped immensely, they stayed the day and night with us, cooked, cleaned, and took care of us so we could properly mourn losing you.
Since that day, I have not gone a minute without thinking of you. You consume my mind, my heart, my everything. I long to hold you in my arms. I long to hear your sweet cries. I picture you playing with your cousins up in Heaven.
We love you to the moon and back, sweet baby. Until we see you, again.
Love- mama and daddy
This is my tribute to you, sweet boy. It's on my left wrist. Means I carry you in my heart. :-) Always
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