My suffering is a privilege...

“And the Lord said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job?’” --Job 1:8


Over the course of the past 2 years Josh and I have experienced loss of a child, trauma, major life change, job loss, struggle in our marriage and many more personal struggles. Every time one of these struggles happened I was at the strongest point in my relationship with God, my church, and my husband. In the past year I found that I've distanced myself from everything good in my life.

I realized today, as we recapped and closed out on our 'Why' series (a study of the Book of Job) at Community Bible church, that I've been doing the pulling away and neglecting of the most important parts of my life for a very specific reason. Subconsciously I've related the struggles and suffering with the high points and good relationships in my life.

When we lost Otis we were in a part of an amazing church, a community group with great friends, Josh had graduated and had a great job, we were at a good place in our marriage, and we were finding out the gender of our first baby. Life couldn't have been better, we thought. Then Josh had his traumatic eye injury, we lost our baby, and we learned USA Drug was being bought out and Josh's job was in danger.

Once I distanced myself from God, our church, and even my husband things were looking up again. Josh got a job back home and we found out we were expecting another sweet baby. I started working on my relationship with God again....and I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage.

It seemed to be a cycle where a good place spiritually was met with suffering and struggles. I couldn't understand why this was happening....shouldn't it be the other way around? So over the past year I have made it a point not to get involved in church too much, I've picked fights with Josh weekly to ensure our relationship wasn't too good, I've kept myself from meeting new friends, and I've even hindered my relationship with my precious child all in hopes that the suffering and struggles would stay away.

The Bible teaches us through Job that we serve a God who reveals himself through suffering and struggles. I've learned through Job that suffering and struggles are a characteristic of being a Christian. That because I am a Christian I will be called to suffer, I will be called to struggle. It's not a curse, it's a blessing and a privilege.

Another thing I've struggled with that the study of the Book of Job has taught me is that there isn't always a definite answer for everything. Sometimes things simply are. No reason. They just are. Sometimes there is an answer, but we will never know it. And sometimes it isn't why, but who. That answer is always 'God'.

Today, I am accepting that we lost our sweet Otis for a reason. A very valid reason. I have struggled for 496 days with the fact that my God, the God that is so merciful and so kind, would allow such a sad and terrible thing to happen to me. Something like losing a child should never happen, but it did. It happened, God allowed me suffer, and He allowed it for a reason. I am owning that. I am claiming it as a blessing, today.

I had 496 days to be angry with God, to ask 'Why?', to dwell on the 'what could have been'. I'm not saying I'm not still sad and that I don't think about it and wonder what the reason was, but I'm starting a new chapter in this journey. I don't know where this experience will lead me, but I'm ready.

I'm so grateful that God led us to Community Bible when He did. He certainly knew what He was doing.

"God controls our darkest days...Knowing the 'Who' empowers us through any 'Why'...Mercy received is always mercy given." -Kevin Thompson

Kendall: My 4 month old beauty 8.22.13

Our tiny Kendy Pie,
                     You are 4 months old today!! You are growing bigger and smarter every day! You haven't stopped amazing me and Daddy since day 1. You love to sleep, eat, and play. You enjoy being outside, going places, and playing with Daddy. You and I nap and snuggle together every day and we always giggle and play when you wake up.

                  You have learned how to roll and roll and roll until you are exhausted. You found your feet this month and you can't get enough of those fun little things ;) You are trying to scoot everywhere!! You are still the best little sleeper at night, sleeping from 8:30p-6a. You take 2 or 3 short naps and 1 long nap every day. 

                    You are the best baby we could ever wish for! You are beautiful, sassy, smart, and fun. Your personality is HUGE and it get bigger every day. We are so excited for the months to come!!

                          We love you to the moon and back,
                                                         Mama & Daddy

Kendall Brooke: 3 months 7.22.13

Our sweet girl,
          You are 3 months old today!!

            You start your days around 7am with a big grin, a fresh diaper, a bottle, and some cuddle time with mommy. When Daddy wakes up you play and make faces with him until you're sleepy, then it's nap time. When you wake from your morning nap you have another bottle, play some more, then snuggle with Mommy until you fall asleep again. You usually nap for a long time for this nap. Daddy goes to work now :( When you wake up you have another  bottle and play some more. You will lay on your pallet or your play mat and kick your legs or watch out the window in your swing. Around 5pm you will have another bottle, then you want Mommy's full attention. We usually walk around the house doing chores while I wear you. You fall asleep for your last little nap of the day around 6:30pm. You will wake around 7:30pm. I start getting things ready for bath and bedtime while you lay on your pallet fussing until it's bath time around 8pm. You get a warm bath every night, followed by lavender lotion, a warm bottle, and then we rock and sing until you're sleepy. We put you in your crib between 8:30pm and 9pm where you sleep for 8-10 hours straight.

         You have been rolling from tummy to back since May 29th, but you rolled from back to tummy yesterday, on July 21! You are such a big girl and it makes Mommy and Daddy sad to see how fast you are growing up. You love to go outside and sit. You hate tummy time. You love playing with Daddy and snuggling with Mommy. We took you to get your ears pierced today, July 22. You were such a big girl! You cried for about 60 seconds and then  you were fine. You are teething now and you get fussy sometimes, but nothing a little tylenol and snuggles can't fix :)

       
         We are so proud of you and all you've learned! We love you to the moon and back sweet sugar!
                        -Mama and Daddy

Kendall Brooke: 2 Months 6.22.13

Kendall Brooke,
        You are 2 months old!! Oh, how time has flown by! We have learned so much about you and we are constantly in awe of you.

         You are sleeping beautifully these days! Mama gives you a warm bath every night, followed by a rub down with some good ole J&J lavender. Then you enjoy a warm bottle as you wind down. We rock and sing a few songs, then put you to bed in your crib where you fall asleep watching your crib soother. You sleep from about 9:30pm-5am when you wake for a fresh diaper and a bottle. Mama feed you and then we fall to sleep in the recliner together until you decide to wake up for the day around 7am.

         You are having more fun with tummy time, but when you don't want to lay on your tummy you roll yourself over to your back like a big girl! Your favorite toy is your playtime mat. You will kick around and play for 10-30 minutes down there. You smile and grin all the time. You are one happy baby! You went swimming for the first time this month and you liked it for about 15 minutes ;)

       
          We are SO proud of you, little girl! Our love for you grows more every day. I didn't know that was possible!
                               We love you to the moon and back little lovey,
                                                                          -Mama & Daddy

I am not ashamed

Postpartum depression is no joke. It's a legit, terrible, scary thing. It comes at what should be the most exciting and enjoyable time of life. It puts a damper on the first parts of your baby's life and it's not fair. 

 

No one really talks much about PPD because it's seen as a shameful disease. But it's natural. It isn't a weakness or a character flaw. When you give birth you are flooded with new hormones and drained of others so quickly that your body doesn't know how to respond. Some respond well and others not so well. The American Psychiatric Association currently estimates that about 10% of women experience at least mild postpartum depression when a pregnancy ends.

Most women experience some degree of baby blues (sadness, anxiety, emotional breakdowns) and that usually fades by the 2nd week postpartum. But when the depression sticks around don't feel ashamed to talk to your doctor about it! 

Ppd is much more severe than baby blues. Things like anxiety, depression, exhaustion, disinterest in baby, extreme mood changes, excessive crying, insomnia, loss of appetite, and more are symptoms of ppd. 

I am currently battling from postpartum depression and I am not ashamed. Well, I  ashamed, but I'm trying not to be. 

It started for me when I was unable to breastfeed. On day 3 of Kendall's life I saw little orange crystals in her diaper and thanks to Dr Google I was afraid it was from dehydration. Then in the same day I started seeing yellow in the whites of her eyes and her face and neck appeared to be yellowing. I was in a lot of pain from breastfeeding and I was just getting really down. 

When we went to her first pediatric appointment on day 5 of her life Dr Wilkinson confirmed that she was indeed jaundiced, had been dehydrated (the crystals were from dehydration), and she had lost 11oz which was 9% of her birth weight. After that appointment I cried all day. 

That evening I decided to give up on breastfeeding because my baby was not doing well with it. Did I give up too soon? Maybe. But it was the right thing to do. 

After deciding to give her formula we realized we had no idea what to give her, how much, or how often. Since I was going to breastfeed my hospital didn't talk about formula one time with me. So I called my amazing sister-in-law, Kelli, who came over to calm me and help me at 9pm. 

I assumed after we got the feeding thing all figured out that my "baby blues" would begin to fade. But they didn't. The symptoms got worse. I called my doctor who quickly put me back on the medication I was on for anxiety before pregnancy. 

I have been on the medication for 10 days now and have seen zero improvement. In fact, symptoms are worse now than before the medicine. I feel inadequate because I can't put my baby back to sleep after her nighttime feeding, she fights me to eat (she will hold the bottle in her mouth and then gag on the formula that's dripped out, she'll jerk her head around and grunt), but she doesn't do that with Josh or my mother-in-law, or my mom. 

I was told by some friends that she is feeding off my anxiety and tension. She is acting this way to me because she can feel that I am tense and anxious.

I have had some friends who had ppd and they didn't seek help for months. Watching them go through that was awful. I knew that if I had ppd symptoms I would seek help immediately, and I did. The fact that the help I've received isn't working is so upsetting, because I'm trying so hard to fix this. And I'll keep trying until we have it fixed, because my baby needs me 100% and healthy.

If you know someone who is experiencing ppd don't judge them for it. It's a natural part of the pregnancy journey for some. If you are experiencing ppd don't be ashamed. Seek help and get well. If for nothing else, get well for your baby!

Kendall: 1 month 5.22.13

Our sweet Kendall Brooke,

     You are 1 month old today! I can't believe it has been 1 whole month since your big day! In that short amount of time you have shown Daddy and I how we can love someone so tiny in the biggest way possible. 

     You are beginning to show your little personality and we can't wait to see how much bigger it gets. I tell your daddy how I think you'll be sassy (like mama). You throw your hands in front of your face when anyone bothers you while sleeping. It's the cutest thing :)

     You love to snuggle with mama every morning at promptly at 5am. You are sleeping quite well for a newborn. You go to bed between 9 & 10pm and usually sleep until 2am when daddy gets up and feeds you. Then you'll sleep until about 5am when we get up and go to the couch so daddy can sleep. I usually change and feed you, and then we go back to sleep until 7 or 8.

     You don't hate tummy time, but it puts you to sleep. You love laying on daddy's chest. I think it's probably your favorite place to be. You like your swing and you love your bouncer as long as it's vibrating.

    We are so proud of you, sweet girl! We look forward to watching you grow into the awesome little lady we know you'll be. We love you more than life! Happy 1 month birthday.

-Mama & Daddy

Safe & Sound

Just a little photo bomb complete with lyrics from our favorite song: Safe & Sound by Matthew West :) 

Can't believe you're here now, tiny dream come true. The answer to a prayer now, I'm so in love with you. Couldn't wait to meet you, hope you like your name. I get the funny feeling life will never be the same.

Safe and sound. You're here with me now like I hoped you'd be. Safe and sound. You're here with me now and that's all I'll ever need.

Someday I'm gonna teach you the reason why we pray, so that Heaven's love will reach you every single day. So, baby close your eyes now and say a prayer with me. Lord I lay me down to sleep now, but I know I will be safe and sound I'm here with you now and that's all I'll ever need.

Kendall is 16 days old today. She weighs 8lbs 1oz, is 21in long, and is currently going through her first growth spurt. She is still in new born diapers and clothes, sleeps anywhere from 3-5 hours consecutively at night, and loves to lay on mama's chest. We are enjoying every single minute of this sweet baby girl

April 22, 2013 Kendall's birth day :)

As many of you know I've dealt with preterm labor for about 8 weeks of this pregnancy, and then pregnancy induced high blood pressure which turned to slight pre-eclampsia for a few weeks. On Sunday, April 21, 2013 I woke from a nap to be extremely swollen, light headed, and just yucky feeling. I had Josh come in from doing yard work and take my blood pressure. It was pretty elevated for me at 155/95. (I had higher BP the night before and called my doctor and she had me monitor it for an hour to make sure it would go down some. It didn't continue to climb so my doctor told me to continue to monitor it and take it easy until my appointment on Tuesday.)
Anyway, on Sunday we monitored the BP for an hour and it didn't get any better, it kept climbing. So I took a shower, called my on-call doctor who said that since the BP kept climbing, I was already 38 weeks, and had been having issues for a few weeks that we would probably be having a baby that night. She had me go ahead and come in to L&D for monitoring, urinalysis, and lab work.
Josh and I got our bags ready and headed to Fayetteville where we fully expected to be sent home again without a baby.

When we arrived at the hospital around 7pm they hooked me up to the monitor to check baby's heart beat, contractions, and blood pressure. After 3 high readings the Dr. Hardman came in and checked me, said I was dilated to a 3 and 80% effaced. She asked, "Did you know you're having contractions?" I laughed and told her, "Yes, I've been having them for like 10 weeks." She said, "Man, you couldn't pay my uterus to contract when I was pregnant! Your's are every 2 minutes apart." I told her, "Yeah well, my uterus is a boss....it just won't make any progress!". She informed me that they were making a room ready for me and they would be admitting me shortly. I asked, "Wait, so we are for SURE having a baby this time?!" She told me we sure are. We wouldn't be leaving without our baby this time :)

She had me give a urine sample and took lab work to check liver functions and enzymes and stuff for pre-e. Shortly thereafter the nurse came in and said I had protein in my urine and they had to get me admitted asap to start the magnesium IV to keep from any seizures due to the high blood pressure.
Once they got me to a room they hooked up the magnesium, the saline IV, and the pitocin. With magnesium it can make you feel terrible, quickly. (Side effects can include: muscle weakness, lack of energy, blurry vision, slurred speech, headache  nausea & vomiting, and flushing.) I've heard some pretty terrible stories from friends who were given magnesium sulfate and I was *terrified* of how I'd feel. Because of the possible side effects they have to catheter you and keep you in the bed so as not to fall. Anyway, as soon as they gave me the mag I started to flush and feel hot, but that was it. I didn't experience any of the other side effects, thankfully! Although I was contracting on my own pretty regularly, magnesium sulfate is also used in pregnancy to stop the cervix from dilating and thinning, so when it slowed my contractions they decided to counteract it with a pitocin drip. The contractions picked up quickly so I went ahead and asked for my epidural since I couldn't get up and try and get comfortable.

After my epidural was placed Dr. Hardman came back in to check me and I was still at a 3 but 100% effaced. So I was making progress, but slowly. She broke my water at about 10pm. My mom, sister, and Josh's mom were at the hospital with us at this point. Around 4am the nurse came in and checked me and I had progressed to a 6-7 and at a -1 station. I was finally making progress! They let me rest for another 2 hours and came back around 6am to check me. I was dilated to a 9 and almost there!! I called my sister so she could get back to the hospital in time to push. The nurse said she expected we'd be pushing in a couple hours. Dr. Markell would be in at 7 to check me and hopefully we could start pushing shortly thereafter.
At 7am Dr. Markell checked me and I was 10cm, complete, and ready to go! The nurse wanted me to labor down for 20 minutes on each side before we began pushing in order to make baby a little more ready. At 7:50 they came in, checked me one more time, said it's time to push and started getting things ready. At this point I was completely FREAKED OUT and nervous. Thank GOD my sister was there to keep me calm as could be. My nurse was amazing. She coached me through everything. At 8:06 I took my first practice push when my nurse, Barb, told us Kendall had a head full of dark hair!! I pushed about 7 more times with the help of Josh, my sister, and the nurses. At about 8:35 my nurse ran into the hall, hollered for Dr. Markell who came in, had me push one more time. This time baby's hand got stuck so she had me stop for a minute while she fixed that. I pushed one more time and our chunky monkey punched her way into this world at 8:46am. She wasn't a loud crier at all. In fact Josh and I were both worried at first because she wasn't making much noise at all. They cleaned her off a bit and placed her on my chest where I boo-hooed and talked to her for a good 5 minutes. I was so amazed, enamored, and completely in love with our sweet rainbow baby girl.

They nursery nurse took her, cleaned her off, weighed and measured her and gave her back to me where we let her find her way to nurse. She latched on in just 15 minutes and did so good. It was amazing!

The love and absolute amazement we felt in that moment for the tiny life we helped create can not be described. Everyone tells you, from the moment you announce your pregnancy, how challenging pregnancy, parenting, and babies are. They don't tell you have awesome it is. Well let me tell you, if they tried, they couldn't come close to describing it.
Because Kendall was considered large for gestational age at 8lbs 5oz and 21in long she had to have her little heel pricked and her sugars checked a few times the 2 days we were there. Her numbers were great and she didn't need any special attention for that.
We had a short stay in the hospital and we were home by Tuesday afternoon around 3pm.
Breast feeding went ok until we got home. Once we were home I was so emotional and so worried about her getting enough that I became very hard on myself about it. Kendall was doing great, she's a natural after all!
On Friday we had her first pediatric appointment where we discovered was jaundice, had been dehydrated for 2 days, and had lost 11oz since birth. Dr. Wilkinson assured us these were all normal considering we had been breastfeeding, but I was heartbroken that my poor baby had not been satisfied and was dehydrated.
After 4 complete emotional breakdowns, feeling insane levels of anxiety, and the beginning of depression, Josh and I decided that breastfeeding was not going to work for us. I was miserable. I couldn't enjoy my sweet baby girl because she was famished constantly. She made me hurt, which made me cry, which made me not let down, and made her hungrier. It was a vicious cycle. My baby deserves a healthy, happy mama so that's what she's getting :)
Today, Josh went back to work. I cried for an hour last night because I was terrified to be left completely alone with Kendall. Why? I don't know...I guess just knowing that I am now responsible for a whole other life for 18 years is very overwhelming. We have had a great day full of eating, pooping, and sleeping. (For Kendall, not me ;)) And daddy will be home in less than 3 hours!

We are over the moon to have our sweet baby here with us. After a very long, hard, and bittersweet year we are so relieved to finally have our child here with us.

Here are a few more pictures Josh's cousin, Drew Lacy, and a girl she was mentoring, Kelsey Pruitt, took of Kendall yesterday.

My sister will also be taking some newborn photos of Miss Kendy, so I'll be posting again with those soon!! 

Enjoy :)

36 Weeks and slacking!!

A lot has happened in the past 2 weeks! I had yet another pre-term labor scare at 34w5d. I ended up at labor and delivery with my cervix dilated to a 2, contractions were roughly 2 minutes apart for over a minute long. My blood pressure was pretty high while in the hospital, but they chalked it up to the pain from the contractions. We were admitted overnight and started on an antibiotic IV and liquid only orders just in case I delivered that night. They gave me 2 rounds of stadol and phenergan to try and relax my uterus and slow the contractions (which has stopped it the past two times) and that didn't touch these contractions. They gave me a dose of Terbutaline to try and stop the contractions and that didn't do anything but make me terribly ill for a good 30 minutes. At this point they decided to admit me and keep me over night. The problem is that I was at the stage in pregnancy where they won't go to drastic measures to stop you from delivering, but they also will not do anything to further your progression. So after exhausting all avenues I was stuck in between pre-term labor and getting to go home. I had a very fitful night of sleep where the contractions never slowed. At 3am those suckers picked up hard core and I just knew I was going into full blown labor. About 30 minutes later the nurse came to change out my IV and take my vitals and I told her how badly I was hurting. She checked me and there had been no progression with my cervix so they gave me another round of stadol to help me rest. Normally I wouldn't take pain meds like I did, but because I knew I was making no progression and they couldn't stop them I didn't know how long this was all going to last. Finally at about 7am my doctor made her rounds, checked me and declared no progress still, and offered to let me have a real breakfast. She said since I wasn't progressing any that after I ate breakfast and was monitored for another couple hours to make sure nothing changed I could go home if I was comfortable doing this at home. After I ate the contractions really started to slow down! When my nurse came in to check on me I told her how much better I was feeling and she went to call my doctor and see what our next step was. She came back in and asked if I was comfortable enough to go home and I said yes. About 10 minutes later she came back with my discharge papers and we were outta there!

The next day was my Rust baby shower. It was so much fun! My friends from Little Rock were able to drive in and it was so great getting to spend time with them :) Kendall was showered with love and thrown a beautiful party! My fabulous SIL and MIL threw a great shower. It couldn't have been better! Here are a few pictures to enjoy from that day :)

 Sweet moments captured by Drew Lacy Photography

My sweet friends from Little Rock

                                                             Brittany, Me, Jenn, LaToya

 Cake pops, pretzels, and a beautiful diaper cake!
All made by Kelli, Neola, Sabrina, and Destiny :)

 Pinwheels, bruschetta (was still in the oven), fruit dip and fruit baby bowl, and the BEST PART was that delicious cookie cake!!

Adorable fruit baby bowl made by Kelli!! SO cute!

That Monday I went in for my 35 week prenatal visit and my blood pressure was 150/90, I had a headache for 2 days, and my feet and hands were enormously swollen. I was told to lay down for a few minutes and if my pressure came down I could get labs drawn and go home to do the 24hr urine collection to test for preeclampsia. If it didn't come down any I would have to be admitted...again. Thankfully it did come down a little and I was sent in for labs and then sent home with my big ole jug. That afternoon the nurse called and said my labs came back normal (thank God!) so we were just going to monitor by BP and see how the 24hr urine test came out. I had to go back the next day to turn in my jug, check BP, and check on baby. At that appointment my BP was considerably lower and K was doing just fine with a heart rate of 154bpm. 

That afternoon they called back to tell me the urine test came back within normal range. So I am to continue bed rest :( monitor BP 3 times a day, and call with any readings over 140/90. 

On Wednesday at 35w3d I started getting UTI sypmtoms. Yes, again. That's 6 UTIs this pregnancy. Luckily my doctor was on call and gladly called in an antibiotic to get started on. That evening around 3am I started contracting again. 3 minutes apart, about 1.5 minutes each. I drank some water, took a warm bath....nothing changed. They weren't slowing down but they weren't increasing in intensity either. So I laid back down and dozed off between contractions. I called my doctors office at 8am and left a message. My doctor was out for the day, but another doctor's nurse called me back and I explained my preterm labor to her and she said to monitor it by intensity. If the contractions become increasingly intense to call asap. Around 12pm the intensity was getting pretty painful. So I called again....when she called me back an hour later they had started to slow (thank goodness!). 

That was my last bout of preterm labor. I am now 36 weeks pregnant and no longer at risk for preterm labor!! Woohoo!! We have made it!! If I go into labor now they will not try and stop it! Now K will probably wait until her due date to cause anymore problems....typical female. But, the good news is that if she isn't here by April 28th I will be induced early that week :) So less than 20 days until we meet our sweet girl!!

How far along? 36 Weeks 4 Days

Total weight gain: +26 lbs

Maternity clothes? skirts & maxi dresses

Stretch marks? On my belly :( 

Sleep: Sleep has been ok lately!

Best moment this week: Getting the nursery finished!!

Miss Anything? everything - I am officially at the "uncomfortable" stage, out of breath often & I am really missing being able to put on socks/pants without huffing & puffing

Movement: ALL the time. And she's finally dropped a little!!

Food cravings: Nothing. I've lost my appetite.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really.

Gender: Girl

 

Labor Signs: LOTS of contractions this week, dilated to a 2.

Symptoms: PREGNANT. Need I say more?

Belly Button in or out? Still in, but flattening out.

Wedding rings on or off? Real set off, fake set on.

 

Happy or Moody most of the time: Just really tired...

Looking forward to: Meeting our precious girl soon!!