“And the Lord said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job?’” --Job 1:8
Over the course of the past 2 years Josh and I have experienced loss of a child, trauma, major life change, job loss, struggle in our marriage and many more personal struggles. Every time one of these struggles happened I was at the strongest point in my relationship with God, my church, and my husband. In the past year I found that I've distanced myself from everything good in my life.
I realized today, as we recapped and closed out on our 'Why' series (a study of the Book of Job) at Community Bible church, that I've been doing the pulling away and neglecting of the most important parts of my life for a very specific reason. Subconsciously I've related the struggles and suffering with the high points and good relationships in my life.
When we lost Otis we were in a part of an amazing church, a community group with great friends, Josh had graduated and had a great job, we were at a good place in our marriage, and we were finding out the gender of our first baby. Life couldn't have been better, we thought. Then Josh had his traumatic eye injury, we lost our baby, and we learned USA Drug was being bought out and Josh's job was in danger.
Once I distanced myself from God, our church, and even my husband things were looking up again. Josh got a job back home and we found out we were expecting another sweet baby. I started working on my relationship with God again....and I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage.
It seemed to be a cycle where a good place spiritually was met with suffering and struggles. I couldn't understand why this was happening....shouldn't it be the other way around? So over the past year I have made it a point not to get involved in church too much, I've picked fights with Josh weekly to ensure our relationship wasn't too good, I've kept myself from meeting new friends, and I've even hindered my relationship with my precious child all in hopes that the suffering and struggles would stay away.
The Bible teaches us through Job that we serve a God who reveals himself through suffering and struggles. I've learned through Job that suffering and struggles are a characteristic of being a Christian. That because I am a Christian I will be called to suffer, I will be called to struggle. It's not a curse, it's a blessing and a privilege.
Another thing I've struggled with that the study of the Book of Job has taught me is that there isn't always a definite answer for everything. Sometimes things simply are. No reason. They just are. Sometimes there is an answer, but we will never know it. And sometimes it isn't why, but who. That answer is always 'God'.
Today, I am accepting that we lost our sweet Otis for a reason. A very valid reason. I have struggled for 496 days with the fact that my God, the God that is so merciful and so kind, would allow such a sad and terrible thing to happen to me. Something like losing a child should never happen, but it did. It happened, God allowed me suffer, and He allowed it for a reason. I am owning that. I am claiming it as a blessing, today.
I had 496 days to be angry with God, to ask 'Why?', to dwell on the 'what could have been'. I'm not saying I'm not still sad and that I don't think about it and wonder what the reason was, but I'm starting a new chapter in this journey. I don't know where this experience will lead me, but I'm ready.
I'm so grateful that God led us to Community Bible when He did. He certainly knew what He was doing.
"God controls our darkest days...Knowing the 'Who' empowers us through any 'Why'...Mercy received is always mercy given." -Kevin Thompson
