You don't "move on". You learn to live with the pain.

   The past 5 days have been excruciatingly painful. I have never experienced this kind of sorrow and depression before. I hate how everyone says, "You'll move on" "You'll have many more" "It'll be ok."
.....NO, I won't move on. No, I wanted THIS baby. NO, it isn't ok, it's not going to be ok. I lost my child. If you've never experienced this pain before, don't pretend you know what it's like.
   Sorry, had to vent that out there. Really, I appreciate all the kind words and prayers. But, the prayers seem to go un-noticed. Everyone says they are praying for peace, comfort, understanding....I don't know where those prayers are going, because I've not experienced one ounce of peace, comfort, or understanding from God. In fact, everything has gotten worse. I try to divulge myself into the word and I have a daily suffering and grief devotion I'm doing, but it just makes me more and more angry to read verse like, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you." or "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."......really? Because I'm *totally* not feeling peace or nearness.
   I just got done packing up all my hopes and dreams and clothes and toys for Baby Otis. Everyone wanted me to leave it and let them do it. But, it is part of my healing process. I didn't cry, I didn't throw things....I simply placed it all in a box and packed it up. I haven't gone in the guest bedroom since Monday night, because it was all there. My parents are coming to get it all this weekend and keep it at their house.
   As I'm typing this, I'm bawling. Because I lost my first child. People are posting milestones about their kids on facebook, and all I can think to write in response for my baby's milestone, is his death...What I don't want to happen, is I don't want people to forget about this baby, don't pretend like it didn't happen, don't avoid the subject with me. My baby lived, moved his fingers and toes, he smiled, frowned, sucked his thumb. I heard his little heart beating more than 10 different times. My baby lived, too.
   Part of my grieving process is to put this all out there. I am not ashamed of the feelings I have right now, I am not ashamed I am complete basket case. I am not ashamed that I have hidden every one of my facebook friends who have recently had children, are pregnant, or post pics often of their beautiful, healthy, living children. With time, I'm sure I'll be able to handle it better. But for now, please understand, this is about me and my loss.
   I stayed up until midnight researching miscarriage and MTHFR. My doctor SHOULD have had me on 5mgs of folic acid, 81mg of aspirin, and some kind of lovenox/heparin injections. She didn't. She had me on 4mgs of folic acid. That's all. I feel like maybe this could have been avoided had she been more proactive. After my procedure when I was in recovery, she told my family she will put me on 81mg aspirin next time....Thanks. I will demand a more agressive treatment this time around, and if she can't agree with that, I'll find someone who will. I don't blame her for what happened. I blame my dysfunctional body.
  All week long I have taken care of my husband, who is still bedridden. Today, I will mope around and take a mental health day. For ME. I am going back to work Monday. I am terrified of that. I have a coworker who is 6 weeks behind my due date. Talk about a trigger for me....I really don't know how to deal with that. I plan on finding a new job, whether we move home or not. I feel like I just need a new start. Maybe I'll quit working and just focus on school....
   On another note, I think I'll rename my blog, Our life: The big black cloud. ;)