The baby we never knew

They say all good things must come to an end...I didn't expect this ending. However, after the weekend we've endured, I should've expected this. Here's a re-cap of our weekend. It's long, but please take the time to read up.

We visited my sister this weekend in Tulsa, which was a very fun-filled weekend, we thought...

     On Saturday, Josh, Derick, Jake, and myself went to Bass Pro Shops to kill some time while we waited for my sister to finish up at Affair of the Heart. We spent some time looking at the "big fishies" with Jake. He loves them :) Then we went upstairs and checked out the camping goods, guns, and finally the bows. Josh was checking out the bows when he suffered a severe eye injury. The bows were all zip tied together so you couldn't pull the strings. Well, he happened upon one that wasn't zip tied. He pulled the string back, and brought it back to place. Pulled it back again, and it slipped out of his hand. Something flew off the bow and hit his eye. He quickly lost all sight in his right eye. And the colored part of his eye filled with blood.
    Derick drove us to the ER at St. John's hospital where Josh was seen immediately. The ER Doctor was fabulous. She examined Josh's eye, told him she assumed it was a traumatic hyphema. This is where the anterior chamber fills with blood due to an injury. She gave Josh some numbing eye drops and made sure he was comfortable while she tried to get a hold of the Opthamologist on call. That doctor, and apparently another on call doctor, refused to see Josh. They told the doctor to send him home and have him follow up with an optho in Arkansas on Monday.
    Thank God, Dr. Cain wouldn't accept that answer and called the on call optho at OSU Medical in Tulsa. He said to send Josh over immediately, he would meet him in the ER. We quickly made our way to OSU Medical Center, in the ghetto of Tulsa. No joke. Actually, when we got there, the hospital was on lock down. :)
   Dr. Chamberlain came in about 15 minutes after we got there and evaluated Josh completely. We discussed with him our disappointment in the other two doctors and he assured us that issue would be adressed as that was unacceptable. He told us that this injury is grounds for admission and absolutely NOT something to mess around with, but if we could get his occular pressure down, he could go home as long as he followed up with Dr. Chamberlain Monday morning. Josh's occular pressure was at 44 when we got to the hospital. Over 30 is considered dangerous. He gave Josh a series of 4 different eye drops, 2 oral meds and check his pressure 1 hour later. It had dropped to 30. He wanted it BELOW 30 to go home. He gave Josh the drops and meds series again and checked his pressure about 30 minutes later and the pressure dropped to 26. At this point, he was able to go home with strict orders to return to clinic Monday morning at 9am.
   In the meantime, I had been unable to find our baby's heartbeat on my doppler all weekend. The last time I heard it was Thursday evening and it was a strong 167bpm. I became more and more alarmed as the weekend went on. When we got home this afternoon I tried to find the heartbeat one last time. I couldn't locate it after trying for 10 minutes so I called my doctor's office. They assured me that sometimes it is hard to find this early. I knew this was true, but I aslo knew exactly where to find my baby's heartbeat. The nurse told me to come in and they would check with their doppler just to ease my mind.
   We drove to the doctor's office and were seen immediately. The nurse couldn't find the heartbeat, so she said let's go get a quick ultrasound to check on baby. We went to the ultrasound room and Dr. Hardman came in to do the ultrasound. As soon as she pulled that sweet little baby up, I knew my answer. She tried for about 5 minutes to get the baby to move and to see the heartbeat, but it just wasn't there. She told us she couldn't find it, and couldn't see the blood pumping through it when changed to color setting, but she had to have another Doctor confirm it for her.
    At this point, I knew what had happened. I had Josh make a call to my mama and we prepared ourselves for the worst. About 10 minutes later a nurse came in and talked to me about a D&C. I told her I wanted it done asap. I really don't care how terrible this sounds, but I want it out of me now.
    Dr. Markell and Dr. Hardman returned a short minute later and performed one last ultrasound which verified that indeed, our baby had stopped growing at 12w6d. Heartbeat stopped sometime between Thursday and Sunday. They both expressed their apologies and Dr. Hardman stayed and explained the procedure to me. She checked my doctor's schedule and said she could do the D&C tomorrow at noon.
    I am in a state of shock right now. I honestly don't know how to express my feelings and emotions. As soon as we got home from the doctor I put all the baby stuff out of sight, for fear of resenting God every time I see it all. My heart aches and my mind is raw. I am so grateful for our sweet, sweet family who is taking off work tomorrow to be with me while I have my procedure done, and to be with Josh while he sees this new doctor. It's really hard to see everyone's lives go on like normal, when our lives have been forever altered by the loss of this sweet, sweet baby.
   To sum it up, my husband could possibly be without vision in his right eye and we lost our first child all in one weekend. So, tonight, while you put your babies to bed, love on them extra long, because we will never get that chance with this baby. I picture God holding onto my sweet, unborn child while we endure this pain, hoping for some kind of clarity and reassurance that He is here with us, too.