Three weeks later...

Three weeks ago, today, I had a d&c procedure where they removed my dead baby from my body. I am experiencing extreme feelings of bitterness, anger, confusion...I just want to know why. Why did this happen to me? Why did God allow this to happen to Me and Josh?

I often sit and dream of holding our baby in my arms. Rocking him to sleep, kissing his chubby cheeks. I think he would have been born with dark hair, blue eyes, and chubby as can be :)

We always said we would follow the baby-wise program when it came to sleep training our babies. But, now I know if God ever allows us to have a baby, I will rock that baby to sleep every chance I get. I find myself rocking in our rocking chair, just day-dreaming my baby is here with me.

I am so angry tonight :-\ I hate these feelings, but I know they are natural. I am so mad. I'm mad at every pregnant person I see. I'm mad at all these women with kids they can't take care of. I'm mad at the ones that let their babies die in the heat.

Why can't I have a baby? Why can't someone who can love and care for their baby, be blessed with one?

I had a great couple of days, and now this evening has been so rough...I am pissed, honestly. (and I can say this, because it's my blog) I haven't gone back to church yet, because I feel so fake going back and pretending I'm ok, pretending I'm happy to be around all these beautiful families and happy people. I'm not. I'm not ok, not happy, not "over this".

I'm so tired of being judged by people on Facebook for expressing my thoughts and my feelings. I would give anything to feel better again, to feel whole, to feel ok. But I'm not. I'm still grieving, still angry, still bitter.

I am able to pray and read my devotions again, which is a huge step. But I still can't stomach the happy songs about blessings and God's promises...because I feel abandoned. I feel forgotten and unloved...I know I'm not, I know God is here with me. Because I can feel Him, I can feel Him comfort me every now and then. But, I'm not better. I keep re-hashing every moment I was pregnant and wondering if I could have done anything differently. Could I have helped this? What did I do wrong?

Just holding on, waiting for the day I can rejoice in the 15 weeks We had with this sweet baby.

We miss you, everyday baby Otis. We love you to the moon and back. We dream of holding you, rocking you, kissing your chubby cheeks, and even being woken up by you in the middle of the night.

So, while you complain about not getting any sleep, not getting any "me time", having morning sickness, getting fat, and whatever else you may gripe about, remember there are people praying to have those things, begging God to give us those things. So as I stated earlier, "The things you take for granted, someone else is praying for."

Love on your babies extra long tonight, because we will never get that opportunity with our sweet Otis.