2 weeks from today...bittersweet

In exactly 2 weeks we will be remembering what should be our sweet baby Otis' due date. We should be getting ready for his big debut into this world. I should be putting the finishing touches on his nursery, having my sister help me install his carseat properly in the car, packing my overnight hospital bag and his diaper bag. We should be anxiously and impatiently awaiting his arrival. We should be having feelings of joy, nervousness, and excitement.

Instead we are left to mourn what would have been. We are simply waiting for the days to pass to get to viability for the baby we have now. Instead of welcoming Otis into the world on January 11, 2013 we get to celebrate Kendall's viability date. While this is very exciting and a huge deal to us, it's not what we were expecting just 7 months ago. While we are so happy and overjoyed to have the huge blessing that is Kendall Brooke, we mourn our sweet Otis.

The next 2 weeks will be very bittersweet and filled with anxiety. I always said I wanted to celebrate Otis' birthday. I don't know how we will do that, or if we will do that on his "due date" or on his "angelversary". I just knew that if I had the opportunity to be pregnant before his due date came around it would be so much easier to get through...but I'm not so sure that's going to be the case.

The hardest part for me is seeing people who share my due date or very close to it. Just watching them progress and be 38 weeks pregnant this week is absolutely heart wrenching. I have been able to distance myself from these people, and I thank God that He's made it so easy for me.

I'm finding it really difficult to connect with Kendall here lately because I feel so guilty about being happy when I should still be mourning the baby we lost, the baby we never got to know. I have a few friends who are also approaching what should be their due dates and they are also newly pregnant again. While we are all so excited and happy to have the blessings in our tummies now, I know that we are all mourning still.

So for the next few weeks, as I approach my due date and my friends approach theirs I ask for extra prayers of strength and comfort. Keep us all in your prayers and thoughts. And remember to hug your babies extra every night for those of us that never got to.

I pray that the next 2 weeks will fly by for me. I pray we get to 24 weeks with Kendall so I have the relief that should something happen, she can survive outside my body.

Merry Christmas, from the 3 of us!

How far along? 21 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 14 lbs+
Maternity clothes? Still rockin' the maternity leggings and 2 pair of jeans.
Stretch marks? around my belly 
Sleep: My hip pain keeps me awake a lot.
Best moment this week: Josh feeling Kendall move every night!!!
Miss Anything? Not really...
Movement: Kendall moves all the time & I love it so much!! Everyone was right when they said it is the best part of pregnancy :)
Food cravings: still loving sweets.. I scored some Christmas candy from Josh :)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing. Just heartburn!
Have you started to show yet: Oh yes. People in public now notice and ask when I'm due!
Gender: Still a Girl
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In for now
Wedding rings on or off? On but tight!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty moody these days :-/
Looking forward to: 24 weeks :) Just 16 more days until my next big milestone. Viability, here we come!

We had our last Christmas as a family of 2 this year. It was pretty un-traditional and chaotic for us, being that we still don't have a house right now! Just one more month and it'll be done!! We spent Christmas Eve with my family and had a yummy Mexican themed dinner. Then on Christmas day we spent the day with Josh's family at his grandparents house. We can't wait for our next Christmas :) We have already started talking about our traditions. We are so excited! 

Halfway there & nursery inspiration :)

How far along? 20 Weeks 2 Days
Total weight gain/loss: +14 lbs
Maternity clothes? Lots of maternity leggings and my favorite pair of Motherhood jeans :)
Stretch marks? On my belly :(
Sleep: I had my first dream about Kendall last night! She was tiny, and perfect, and had a head full of dark hair :)
Best moment this week: Feeling Kendall move from the outside!!!
Miss Anything? The desire to drink coffee
Movement: She's rockin' and rollin'
Food cravings: Nothing this week!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Kendall was moving around so much last night she made me nauseated!
Have you started to show yet: Oh yes!
Gender: Still a girl!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, Happy!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every second :)
Looking forward to: Our home being done. I am SO ready to set up Kendall's nursery!

This week I got Kendall's quilt in from Pottery Barn and it is SO dang cute! Her colors will be different shades of purples, different shades of aquas, a little green, and some gray thrown in. Here is some inspiration :)

This is her quilt. It's a little darker in person. (see pictures below)

Ordering these prints off Etsy that were made to go with her bedding which is also pictured.

Had this print personalized for her room from Etsy.

I ordered her crib mobile off Etsy also :) It is similar to this, but with aqua and gray tied in.

I'll also be ordering this print off Etsy!

I'll be posting a blog on the progress of our home soon! We meet with the builder to walk  through tomorrow :)

Happy Tuesday!

19 weeks-our little Mango!

How far along? 19 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: 13 lbs
Maternity clothes? I am rocking the maternity leggings like no one's business this week! :)
Stretch marks? On my belly :(
Sleep: Overrated. My hips throb and wake me up at night. My 3-4 potty breaks keep me awake for hours. But it's SO worth it.
Best moment this week: Seeing Kendall on ultrasound for 2 hours!!!!
Miss Anything? Nope
Movement: She's getting wild and crazy in there!!
Food cravings: Rolo's
Anything making you queasy or sick: I ate a croissanwich from BK and it made me SICK.
Have you started to show yet: Yep, getting bigger!
Gender: It’s a Girl!!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: I have been insanely moody this week :( Sorry, Josh!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every single second of pregnancy!! It flies by!
Looking forward to: Holding this girl in my arms in 4 months!!!

We had my 19 week OB appointment and my appointment with Dr. Canzoneri, the maternal-fetal-medicine specialist, on Monday! Kendall's heart rate was 160 at my OB appointment. Everything looked and sounded perfectly on track :) Then we went and got me a hot chocolate and lunch at panera (which Kendall really enjoyed). Drove over to the MFM's office for my anatomy scan and they spent TWO hours chasing this little girl around! They measured her legs, her belly, her arms, her head (after much coercing). They checked her heart (no holes, pumps perfectly), her kidneys, bowels, nose, mouth, ears...they checked everything!!! They asked me if we knew what she was, I told them we were told she's a girl. They checked and sure enough, no danglers! She's all girl :) She's measuring 3 days ahead still, weighs 10oz, and about 9in long, heart rate was 155. Her head is down in my pelvis and she was trying to hide from Dr. Canzoneri :) She head butts me a lot! She did NOT like all the poking and prodding they were doing. Then she got the hiccups and it was the most adorable sight! We are completely smitten over this sweet girl! Here are a few of the precious shots we got of her :)

Here is a sweet side profile of her head. I love that fat little lip!!

Still a girl :) "No danglers"

Here you can see her legs were bent at the knees and her tiny little feet are crossed!

Here is a shot of her tiny little feet crossed. Look closely for 10 tiny toes :)

Our little secret :)

As I sit here and do homework I am amazed at the little fireworks show going off in my belly. I love to feel her move at this stage because no one else can :) It's just like a little secret between me and Kendall!  I was actually brought to tears this afternoon as I sat and felt her moving. I am in complete awe at what God has done in my life in the past year.

Just 5 months ago my world came crashing down. I was empty, abandoned, and angry. Little did I know that had we not had the life changing experiencing of loving a baby we would never know we wouldn't have what we have now. I still wonder about who Otis would be, had he been born. I think about him often. We still miss him, and we still remember him. But we know without losing him we would never get to experience Kendall.

My heart aches for the baby we will never know in this world. My heart aches for the friends and family who have babies they will never know in this world. Sometimes, I feel guilty for enjoying this pregnancy so much because I feel like I should still be mourning our loss. But then I remember that God gave us this life. I can't dwell on what would have been because I have to take care of me for Kendall.

After speaking with a friend last week, who also experienced a heart-wrenching loss, I realized that this baby may just be the only thing that forced me to continue healing emotionally and mentally. After we found out we were expecting again I woke up and realized I *have* to get well for this baby. I am certainly not "healed". I have a long way to go, but I'm working on it. I often wonder if God gave Kendall to us so soon after losing Otis because He knew I wouldn't heal without her.

I fear losing Kendall daily. And I know this is normal. I know that I will never feel "safe" until she is in my arms in 4.5 months. I just pray for God to take the anxiety from me daily and I pray for an uneventful 4.5 months ahead.

In just one day we get to see Kendall again. I go for my 20 week OB appointment Monday morning and then my appointment with my Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist Monday afternoon. They will do the big anatomy ultrasound and check all Kendall's organs and measurements. We pray that we will get normal results of a healthy baby and pregnancy. I can't wait to update with pictures and (hopefully) good news. Until then, I'll leave you with my favorite 3D shot of her so far :) It shows her chubby little belly!