Today...

I should be 16 weeks pregnant today. I should be feeling the little tiny kicks and movements of our sweet little babe. We should be buying nursery furniture, making our registry, and finding out he's a boy.


 Instead, I'm left empty. A big empty pit in my stomach. I'm left with depression, sadness, and an overwhelming grief I can't seem to shake.


 We'll never feel his little kicks. We won't ever get to design his nursery. Our dreams, wishes, plans for this little guy are left dead.


 I had a good day yesterday, then I wake up today and realize I should be 16 weeks pregnant. Instead, I went to work numb to the world. I had my appointment with the maternal and fetal specialist today. It went well...I have a whole fasting work up lined up for Monday. DR. Canzoneri is pretty sure this wasn't just coincidence. He isn't convinced it was caused by the MTHFR alone, he thinks there may be another factor working with the mutation which may have caused this to happen. He said the fact that we lost our baby at 14w5d is NOT normal and he's not comfortable with chalking it up to an isolated event. Thank goodness. Our game plan for nex time is to continue the 4mg frolic acid, prenatal, add 81mg aspirin, B6, and B12. Depending on what the work up shows, we may add more. If/when we get another positive pregnancy test, I'll see my Dr. every two weeks until they are comfortable with my baby and I am well past 15 weeks.


 Tonight, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm drowning my sorrows in my blog, Dawson's Creek, and tears. I took my shower, and bawled, because that's where I can be most vulnerable. I cried out, prayed, yelled to God...I feel no relief tonight.


 Today, I should be 16 weeks pregnant with our very first baby. But, I'm not.