As I sit here snuggling my tiny 21 month old baby I am brought to tears by the overwhelming anxiety, nervousness and even guilt that the thought of adding another child to our mix brings me. I am terrified that my sweet girl will feel neglected or forgotten. I am terrified that I won't have time for her. At the same time I feel so proud and excited for her that she gets to experience the awesomeness of having a sibling.
Our entire world has been consumed by Kendall and only Kendall for 21 whole months now! It's really impossible for me to envision loving another little human as much I love and adore her....and that scares me. Don't get me wrong, I love this little guy already, but I don't really *know* him yet. What if I don't love him the same? What if I don't bond with him? How will I be able to find enough love and time for TWO kids?!
I have so much guilt that we haven't been able to properly prepare Kendall for a sibling because of how young she is. We have read her a Baby Brother book, we talk about Luke, she knows he's in Mommy's belly, and she knows where his bedroom and his belongings are....but let's be honest, she has no clue. On Monday she will go to play school for a while until after he is born and all cleaned up and all his testing done, then she'll come to the hospital and meet her new brother. I feel SO guilty that she'll go to school that morning just like normal and then come home to her whole world changed with no way to prepare or warn her. I feel guilty that the safe and secure little world she lives in will be shaken up and changed forever.
I wonder how I will be able to do it all with 2 kids. I already feel as though there is never enough time or enough me with one...how will I figure it out with 2?!
And then I get to the anxiety of actually having a newborn again. I don't remember most of what we did with Kendall and what worked for her, now we have to start all over again. I feel like I should feel confident being a mom of a newborn and I should feel like a seasoned parent, but I don't. I feel a lot of anxiety and fear about the first night home with him, and the first bath, and caring for a circumcised baby... There is so much that I don't know or I don't remember!
I know all these fears are irrational and probably silly, but they are real to me. I know I'm not the first mom to become a mom of two, but it's my whole world right now. I know we will all adjust and habits will change and things will fall into place, but I am so afraid for the transitional period for our little family.
In just 5 short days our family of 3 will become a family of 4. We will add another precious baby and our love for our kids will overflow, again. Things will be hectic and chaotic, but it will go so fast I won't remember the first days home or the sleepless nights....just like I don't remember them with Kendall. So today, I want to hold my big baby a little tighter and love on her a little longer because I want to remember these last 5 days with just her. I want her to know she is loved beyond measure and cherished more than anything in this world.
