12 Weeks Later...

12 weeks ago today we lost our baby. July 17th, 2012 was, to date, the worst day of our lives. We were stripped of our first baby, our experience to be parents, and the innocence we had. We miss that sweet baby every day. We think about him, the person he would be, the way he would look, very often.

Now, just 12 short weeks later, I am 10 weeks pregnant. (I will be further along by the time I post this. This is as of October 8, 2012). Right after we decided to give it a break and wait a while before we tried to have a kiddo again, God had other plans for us and this sweet baby. I actually had NO idea I was pregnant until August 28th, 2012 when I happened to take a pregnancy test after getting positive OPKs for 8 days straight. Much to my surprise, it was *very* positive. So were the other 5 tests I took that week.

I called my doctor in complete shock, and told them I had gotten multiple positive tests. I went in that afternoon for a HCG quant. My numbers came back at 268, then less than two days later it was 575. After that second draw, I started spotting. My doctor did another quant a few days later and it was 4075. I was put on casual bedrest and told to wait until September 25th and if the pregnancy was viable we would find out then.

We had no way of knowing how far along I was, because after I had the D&C my cycle was so messed up we weren't really sure when my LMP was. I called the doctor and begged to have an ultrasound done sooner, as I couldn't mentally wait that long. The fact that I was pregnant at all, is quite a miracle. Because with a D&C they scrape the lining completely clean. That means there should have been nothing for that little baby to implant to and hang on to.

I went in for an ultrasound on September 4th, 2012. Baby was measuring 5w1d. There was a gestational sac and a yolk sac. No fetal pole yet. The doctor called me that evening and told me everything was there except for a heartbeat. She said if we had waited just a few days longer, we could have picked up the heartbeat. She scheduled me for another scan a week later.

On September 12, I went back in for another ultrasound. I was terrified. I just knew there would be no heartbeat. When they brought that tiny little baby up on the screen, the tech said, "There's baby....and there's the heart beat!" I cried. I cried with tears of joy, tears of relief, and tears of guilt. Josh just held my hand and watched that screen. Baby's heart rate was 120bpm. That night, Dr. Collins called me and said everything looked perfect and all was measuring perfect. She wanted to see me back in a week for my first prenatal appointment.

On September 17, Josh and I drove up to Fayetteville to see Dr. Collins for my first official appointment. I wasn't really expecting another ultrasound, but I sure was happy to get one! She brought baby up on the screen and the development over one week was absolutely amazing! You could make out baby's little body, head, and legs. The heart beat was flickering away so fast!! She flipped the sound on and we heard that heartbeat loud and clear at 154bpm. I cried, again :) She said baby was measuring between 7w2d and 7w3d. That was 1 or 2 days ahead!! Grow, baby, grow!!

I am now waiting for my 11 week appointment to come around. I go back to see Dr. Collins again on Monday, October 15th.

I actually found the baby's heart beat on my doppler today (Tuesday, October 7, 2012) at 10w2d :) It was a approximately 170bpm :) I recorded it and texted it to Josh. He was so happy to hear it!

EDIT:I started spotting again last night (10-10-12) Called my doc first thing that morning and they had me come in for an ultrasound. Baby is measuring 4 days ahead making measurements 11w1d instead of 10w4d :) That puts my due date at May 1, 2013. Heart rate was 167bpm. Baby was wiggling around, dancing, waving, kicking. It was precious. Here's a great picture of our little Milo :)

Here is one more baby picture and a few fun announcement photos!!

Anyway, all this to bring you up to date and get it out of my head. Unfortunately, I won't be posting this blog until closer to 13 weeks. We are waiting to announce this pregnancy for a while. Not because we are afraid of another miscarriage and having to tell everyone about it. Because I would still tell everyone about it. But, just because we are more comfortable waiting a while.

We are so excited to welcome this little life into our lives, but we could never replace our Otis. He was our first baby. He will always be our little Otis. We will never forget him. We will never stop celebrating and remembering his little life. We will incorporate his life into the lives of our future children.

Edited to add- It is now 14 & 1/2 weeks later and I am 12 weeks and 5 days pregnant :) Measuring 4 days ahead. Due date is Cinco De Mayo!! 5/5/2013 :)

Memories....

After learning of a friend going through the devastating loss of her sweet baby, it brings back so many difficult memories. I am so glad I am able to be there for women experiencing what I have, but it's not fair. It's not fair for any of us to know this pain. 

We lost our boy 13 weeks and 3 days ago. The pain I feel today is just as strong as it was that day. They say, "Time heals all wounds". I don't know who "they" is, but they are idiots, and so wrong. The day of my D&C procedure was so difficult. I haven't talked about the feelings I had that day, because I've tried so hard to block that all out. But, in all reality it can't be blocked out. 

Josh had an appointment with a specialist that morning, and I knew he may miss my procedure. My mom and Ryan took me to the hospital while Josh's mom took him to his appointment. When I first got there, the lady took my insurance info and my ID. She told me how much my procedure would cost and all I could think was how can you put a price on the death of my child? I don't care how much it costs! 

When it was my turn to go back to pre-op, Josh hadn't made it back to the hospital yet. I went back alone. The nurses were so sweet. They got me all hooked up with my IV, started running the antibiotics and saline. They asked me 21 questions, some were easy to answer and some weren't. When they asked me a hard question that made me cry, they just apologized. Finally when they were done my mom and sister were able to come back with me. Jake was there, too. :) He kept my mood light. I broke down and cried a few times. Just 5 minutes before they took me back for my procedure Josh and his mom got there. Josh came back and held me for a few minutes. I cried. I cried out of anger, confusion, being scared for my procedure, frustration...I just cried. 

My nurse told me my doctor was ready early and we could go back earlier. I said bye to my family through tears. The nurse wheeled me to a little holding room where she said my anesthesiologist came in and talked to me. He asked me the same questions. He was really great, explained everything to me, and made me feel like he was there for me that day. After he left I was just left there to wait for my doctor to get ready. I waited for what felt like an eternity. It was only about 10 minutes. I laid there in that bed cold and crying. I was so alone and so scared. I prayed to God for understanding. I asked him "Why?" I cursed him. I laid there holding onto my belly and telling my dead baby how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. 

Finally the nurse came and got me and wheeled me into the OR. It was cold, white, and scary in there! Dr Bell was talking to me as he was giving me the knock out meds. I was talking to him one minute, then my arms went limp and I was gone.

The next thing I remember was waking up in post op with a sore throat and cramps so bad the pain meds weren't touching it. I woke up crying. They gave me more pain meds, gave me a Dr Pepper, and told me to rest for a few minutes. When I was finally awake enough my mom and Josh got to come back with me. We had to hang out there for a while until I was able to urinate on my own and get dressed. 

When I arrived at that hospital that morning, I was 14w5d pregnant. When I left that hospital, I was no longer pregnant. 

The very next day I no longer felt pregnant. The symptoms were gone. I cramped badly for a few days. It was just reminder that I no longer had my little baby. I am still very bitter about my loss. 

I hate seeing people go through a loss like this. It's not fair. It's not right. And it's not natural. No one should know the pain of losing a baby. It takes away every ounce of innocence a woman has in pregnancy. I will never be able to fully enjoy a pregnancy again because I know better. Whenever someone announces an early pregnancy on facebook all I can think is, "Oh no...now if something happens they have to un-announce that pregnancy." But you know what, good for them for having the balls to announce that early!! At least then they can enjoy their pregnancy. 

Anyway, just had to get this all off my chest. Today, I still think about that baby everyday. I wonder who he would've been. I wonder if he felt any pain while he was dying. I wonder what I could have done to keep him alive. There is nothing anyone can say that makes feel better. Once you experience a loss such as this, you no longer worry what people will think of your thought process or you grief process. I don't care if you like this blog post. I don't care if you like my facebook posts. This is my outlet. This is my healing process.