Halfway there & nursery inspiration :)

How far along? 20 Weeks 2 Days
Total weight gain/loss: +14 lbs
Maternity clothes? Lots of maternity leggings and my favorite pair of Motherhood jeans :)
Stretch marks? On my belly :(
Sleep: I had my first dream about Kendall last night! She was tiny, and perfect, and had a head full of dark hair :)
Best moment this week: Feeling Kendall move from the outside!!!
Miss Anything? The desire to drink coffee
Movement: She's rockin' and rollin'
Food cravings: Nothing this week!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Kendall was moving around so much last night she made me nauseated!
Have you started to show yet: Oh yes!
Gender: Still a girl!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, Happy!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every second :)
Looking forward to: Our home being done. I am SO ready to set up Kendall's nursery!

This week I got Kendall's quilt in from Pottery Barn and it is SO dang cute! Her colors will be different shades of purples, different shades of aquas, a little green, and some gray thrown in. Here is some inspiration :)

This is her quilt. It's a little darker in person. (see pictures below)

Ordering these prints off Etsy that were made to go with her bedding which is also pictured.

Had this print personalized for her room from Etsy.

I ordered her crib mobile off Etsy also :) It is similar to this, but with aqua and gray tied in.

I'll also be ordering this print off Etsy!

I'll be posting a blog on the progress of our home soon! We meet with the builder to walk  through tomorrow :)

Happy Tuesday!

19 weeks-our little Mango!

How far along? 19 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: 13 lbs
Maternity clothes? I am rocking the maternity leggings like no one's business this week! :)
Stretch marks? On my belly :(
Sleep: Overrated. My hips throb and wake me up at night. My 3-4 potty breaks keep me awake for hours. But it's SO worth it.
Best moment this week: Seeing Kendall on ultrasound for 2 hours!!!!
Miss Anything? Nope
Movement: She's getting wild and crazy in there!!
Food cravings: Rolo's
Anything making you queasy or sick: I ate a croissanwich from BK and it made me SICK.
Have you started to show yet: Yep, getting bigger!
Gender: It’s a Girl!!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: I have been insanely moody this week :( Sorry, Josh!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every single second of pregnancy!! It flies by!
Looking forward to: Holding this girl in my arms in 4 months!!!

We had my 19 week OB appointment and my appointment with Dr. Canzoneri, the maternal-fetal-medicine specialist, on Monday! Kendall's heart rate was 160 at my OB appointment. Everything looked and sounded perfectly on track :) Then we went and got me a hot chocolate and lunch at panera (which Kendall really enjoyed). Drove over to the MFM's office for my anatomy scan and they spent TWO hours chasing this little girl around! They measured her legs, her belly, her arms, her head (after much coercing). They checked her heart (no holes, pumps perfectly), her kidneys, bowels, nose, mouth, ears...they checked everything!!! They asked me if we knew what she was, I told them we were told she's a girl. They checked and sure enough, no danglers! She's all girl :) She's measuring 3 days ahead still, weighs 10oz, and about 9in long, heart rate was 155. Her head is down in my pelvis and she was trying to hide from Dr. Canzoneri :) She head butts me a lot! She did NOT like all the poking and prodding they were doing. Then she got the hiccups and it was the most adorable sight! We are completely smitten over this sweet girl! Here are a few of the precious shots we got of her :)

Here is a sweet side profile of her head. I love that fat little lip!!

Still a girl :) "No danglers"

Here you can see her legs were bent at the knees and her tiny little feet are crossed!

Here is a shot of her tiny little feet crossed. Look closely for 10 tiny toes :)

Our little secret :)

As I sit here and do homework I am amazed at the little fireworks show going off in my belly. I love to feel her move at this stage because no one else can :) It's just like a little secret between me and Kendall!  I was actually brought to tears this afternoon as I sat and felt her moving. I am in complete awe at what God has done in my life in the past year.

Just 5 months ago my world came crashing down. I was empty, abandoned, and angry. Little did I know that had we not had the life changing experiencing of loving a baby we would never know we wouldn't have what we have now. I still wonder about who Otis would be, had he been born. I think about him often. We still miss him, and we still remember him. But we know without losing him we would never get to experience Kendall.

My heart aches for the baby we will never know in this world. My heart aches for the friends and family who have babies they will never know in this world. Sometimes, I feel guilty for enjoying this pregnancy so much because I feel like I should still be mourning our loss. But then I remember that God gave us this life. I can't dwell on what would have been because I have to take care of me for Kendall.

After speaking with a friend last week, who also experienced a heart-wrenching loss, I realized that this baby may just be the only thing that forced me to continue healing emotionally and mentally. After we found out we were expecting again I woke up and realized I *have* to get well for this baby. I am certainly not "healed". I have a long way to go, but I'm working on it. I often wonder if God gave Kendall to us so soon after losing Otis because He knew I wouldn't heal without her.

I fear losing Kendall daily. And I know this is normal. I know that I will never feel "safe" until she is in my arms in 4.5 months. I just pray for God to take the anxiety from me daily and I pray for an uneventful 4.5 months ahead.

In just one day we get to see Kendall again. I go for my 20 week OB appointment Monday morning and then my appointment with my Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist Monday afternoon. They will do the big anatomy ultrasound and check all Kendall's organs and measurements. We pray that we will get normal results of a healthy baby and pregnancy. I can't wait to update with pictures and (hopefully) good news. Until then, I'll leave you with my favorite 3D shot of her so far :) It shows her chubby little belly!

17 Weeks :)

I am 17 weeks & 3 days pregnant today! This is huge!! We are getting more and more excited about seeing our baby girl again in just 11 days on my big 20 week ultrasound :) I just wanted to update with belly pics throughout the pregnancy thus far. I've been slacking on keeping my blog updated. Here goes! Starting with the earliest pics first :)

And now on to 17 weeks :) 

How far along? 17 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: +7lbs
Maternity clothes? I am rocking the maternity jeans and leggings :)
Stretch marks? On my belly :(
Sleep: I’m sleeping fairly well, aside from the 3-4 potty breaks a night.
Best moment this week: Listening to our Kendall on Doppler every night.
Miss Anything? Dr. Pepper!!!
Movement: I feel little flutters and twitches
Food cravings: I have been craving philly cheese steaks and Taco Bell
Anything making you queasy or sick: When I don’t eat soon enough, I get sick and hangry.
Have you started to show yet: Yep
Gender: It’s a Girl!!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Both
Weekly Wisdom: Stay hydrated. When I need water, I cramp. :-/
Looking forward to: Getting Kendall’s bedding in the mail!!!

A letter to our daughter :)

Kendall,
     
       Your daddy and I got to see you a couple weeks ago. Like most ultrasounds so far, you were dancing around in there! We got to share that moment with your Nena and Pop & your Nana Papa. Daddy and I were pretty impatient as the tech measured your little head, belly, and femur. She looked at all your little organs and even showed us your 4 chambers in your heart :) You looked perfect in there!!

       Then she asked for our guesses of gender. Pop and I said BOY! Daddy, Nana and Papa all said GIRL! Nena said she wasn't sure ;) The tech looked around at a few different angles for any boy parts sticking out. She couldn't find any so she started looking closer in between your legs. When I told her I thought I saw a "hamburger" she zoomed in and looked and said "Looks like a GIRL!" I was in complete disbelief because I just knew you were a boy ;) (Way to surprise mama like that!!) I started crying tears of complete joy and your daddy was just beaming with happiness! We are so excited to be having a sweet little girl!

      We get to see you again in another 11 days and we are so excited! We can't wait to see how much you've grown and to see your tiny little features again :)

      You are so blessed to have such amazing men in your life to protect you and baby you. (the way my daddy did me ;)) Your Pop will spoil you rotten and your daddy is so excited to have a girl :) I pray I can be the mama to you that my mama is to me! She has been my biggest supporter in life, my best friend, my confidante, and the best mama a girl could have!

      I have been so excited about raising a little girl that I finally talked daddy into letting me order your nursery bedding! It's beautiful. Your room will be purple, aqua, and gray.

      I don't know how I can wait another 5 months to hold you in my arms and kiss your tiny nose. Daddy has started reading books to you at night :) He says he looks so forward to story time with you as you grow up.

     Until we get to hold you in our arms, your big brother is in Heaven watching over you. I wish, so much, that you were able to meet him on this earth one day. I know he would be so proud of you!

We love you, sweet baby girl.
-Mama and Daddy

It's a GIRL!!!

We are so excited to the share the big news about Miss Kendall!

 We went and had an elective gender ultrasound done this past weekend and learned that we are having a sweet little girl! :) I was just absolutely positive I was having a boy....I was wrong! My parents and Josh's parents came with us and it was so amazing to see that little tiny 6oz baby dancing around in there. She is perfect! We saw her 10 tiny fingers and toes, her heart pumping away, her chubby little belly, and her little girly parts ;) I was 15w6d and she was measuring at 16w1-3d. So still 2-4 days ahead! Josh is so excited! He wanted a little girl so badly. I can't wait to see him with her :)

Here are a few pitcures we got of her

 Here is her sweet little profile :)

 Here she is rubbing her eyes/face and has her little legs crossed.

And this one shows her little girly parts! Right in between her legs are 3 little lines. This indicates a girl :)

We are so excited to add Kendall Brooke to our family in 5 months!!

14 weeks pregnant & Deja Vu

Just 16 weeks ago to this day we got the most heart wrenching news of our lives. We learned that our first baby had died. I was 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant when we got that news. We knew something wasn't right before we saw his little lifeless body that day, but we still held on to some thread of hope.

Today I am 14 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I am terrified of losing this little life, as well. My mind goes places I know it shouldn't go. I think about that day and wonder when it's going to happen with this little one. I just try and stay busy so as not to dwell on those thoughts.

The difference with this pregnancy is that I feel very pregnant. I listen to Milo's little heart beat every day and I can hear him/her moving around. The little heart beat moves up higher and higher every few days and I know that little life is growing! Last time, the heart beat was in the same spot every day. We never heard that movement like we do this time. And my symptoms mostly faded away. I chalked that up to being the second trimester last time, but in reality I should have known something was wrong.

In just 6 short days we will pass a milestone that I have been looking forward to since August 28th. I will be past the 15 week mark. It's not significant to most pregnancies. But, it is to ours. We never made it to 15 weeks before. It will be huge every week thereafter. And in just 12 short days the biggest milestone we have anticipated thus far! We will know whether our Milo needs pink or blue :)

I have disconnected myself from this pregnancy a lot. I haven't bought anything but a few baby and children's books, a pack of blue Calvin Klein onesies and a pack of pink Calvin Klein onesies, a few gender neutral things and that's all. I feel bad for not connecting with this baby like I did with Otis, but I know it's just a defense mechanism. I can't wait until I feel relieved enough to delve into our planning this baby's nursery and life. :)

Josh is so excited about Milo. He woke me up this morning and told me he had been thinking about our Milo since he woke up :) That makes me so happy! He says he can't wait to set up the nursery in our new house this winter. Neither can I! I can't wait until I'm at a point mentally that I can do that!

So today, I am pregnant.