Our little secret :)

As I sit here and do homework I am amazed at the little fireworks show going off in my belly. I love to feel her move at this stage because no one else can :) It's just like a little secret between me and Kendall!  I was actually brought to tears this afternoon as I sat and felt her moving. I am in complete awe at what God has done in my life in the past year.

Just 5 months ago my world came crashing down. I was empty, abandoned, and angry. Little did I know that had we not had the life changing experiencing of loving a baby we would never know we wouldn't have what we have now. I still wonder about who Otis would be, had he been born. I think about him often. We still miss him, and we still remember him. But we know without losing him we would never get to experience Kendall.

My heart aches for the baby we will never know in this world. My heart aches for the friends and family who have babies they will never know in this world. Sometimes, I feel guilty for enjoying this pregnancy so much because I feel like I should still be mourning our loss. But then I remember that God gave us this life. I can't dwell on what would have been because I have to take care of me for Kendall.

After speaking with a friend last week, who also experienced a heart-wrenching loss, I realized that this baby may just be the only thing that forced me to continue healing emotionally and mentally. After we found out we were expecting again I woke up and realized I *have* to get well for this baby. I am certainly not "healed". I have a long way to go, but I'm working on it. I often wonder if God gave Kendall to us so soon after losing Otis because He knew I wouldn't heal without her.

I fear losing Kendall daily. And I know this is normal. I know that I will never feel "safe" until she is in my arms in 4.5 months. I just pray for God to take the anxiety from me daily and I pray for an uneventful 4.5 months ahead.

In just one day we get to see Kendall again. I go for my 20 week OB appointment Monday morning and then my appointment with my Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist Monday afternoon. They will do the big anatomy ultrasound and check all Kendall's organs and measurements. We pray that we will get normal results of a healthy baby and pregnancy. I can't wait to update with pictures and (hopefully) good news. Until then, I'll leave you with my favorite 3D shot of her so far :) It shows her chubby little belly!