14 weeks pregnant & Deja Vu

Just 16 weeks ago to this day we got the most heart wrenching news of our lives. We learned that our first baby had died. I was 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant when we got that news. We knew something wasn't right before we saw his little lifeless body that day, but we still held on to some thread of hope.

Today I am 14 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I am terrified of losing this little life, as well. My mind goes places I know it shouldn't go. I think about that day and wonder when it's going to happen with this little one. I just try and stay busy so as not to dwell on those thoughts.

The difference with this pregnancy is that I feel very pregnant. I listen to Milo's little heart beat every day and I can hear him/her moving around. The little heart beat moves up higher and higher every few days and I know that little life is growing! Last time, the heart beat was in the same spot every day. We never heard that movement like we do this time. And my symptoms mostly faded away. I chalked that up to being the second trimester last time, but in reality I should have known something was wrong.

In just 6 short days we will pass a milestone that I have been looking forward to since August 28th. I will be past the 15 week mark. It's not significant to most pregnancies. But, it is to ours. We never made it to 15 weeks before. It will be huge every week thereafter. And in just 12 short days the biggest milestone we have anticipated thus far! We will know whether our Milo needs pink or blue :)

I have disconnected myself from this pregnancy a lot. I haven't bought anything but a few baby and children's books, a pack of blue Calvin Klein onesies and a pack of pink Calvin Klein onesies, a few gender neutral things and that's all. I feel bad for not connecting with this baby like I did with Otis, but I know it's just a defense mechanism. I can't wait until I feel relieved enough to delve into our planning this baby's nursery and life. :)

Josh is so excited about Milo. He woke me up this morning and told me he had been thinking about our Milo since he woke up :) That makes me so happy! He says he can't wait to set up the nursery in our new house this winter. Neither can I! I can't wait until I'm at a point mentally that I can do that!

So today, I am pregnant.