2 weeks from today...bittersweet

In exactly 2 weeks we will be remembering what should be our sweet baby Otis' due date. We should be getting ready for his big debut into this world. I should be putting the finishing touches on his nursery, having my sister help me install his carseat properly in the car, packing my overnight hospital bag and his diaper bag. We should be anxiously and impatiently awaiting his arrival. We should be having feelings of joy, nervousness, and excitement.

Instead we are left to mourn what would have been. We are simply waiting for the days to pass to get to viability for the baby we have now. Instead of welcoming Otis into the world on January 11, 2013 we get to celebrate Kendall's viability date. While this is very exciting and a huge deal to us, it's not what we were expecting just 7 months ago. While we are so happy and overjoyed to have the huge blessing that is Kendall Brooke, we mourn our sweet Otis.

The next 2 weeks will be very bittersweet and filled with anxiety. I always said I wanted to celebrate Otis' birthday. I don't know how we will do that, or if we will do that on his "due date" or on his "angelversary". I just knew that if I had the opportunity to be pregnant before his due date came around it would be so much easier to get through...but I'm not so sure that's going to be the case.

The hardest part for me is seeing people who share my due date or very close to it. Just watching them progress and be 38 weeks pregnant this week is absolutely heart wrenching. I have been able to distance myself from these people, and I thank God that He's made it so easy for me.

I'm finding it really difficult to connect with Kendall here lately because I feel so guilty about being happy when I should still be mourning the baby we lost, the baby we never got to know. I have a few friends who are also approaching what should be their due dates and they are also newly pregnant again. While we are all so excited and happy to have the blessings in our tummies now, I know that we are all mourning still.

So for the next few weeks, as I approach my due date and my friends approach theirs I ask for extra prayers of strength and comfort. Keep us all in your prayers and thoughts. And remember to hug your babies extra every night for those of us that never got to.

I pray that the next 2 weeks will fly by for me. I pray we get to 24 weeks with Kendall so I have the relief that should something happen, she can survive outside my body.