January 11, 2013

I'm sitting here attempting to write this in tears, at a loss for what to say. My heart aches so much today. It aches for my sweet Otis, for where we should be, for everything that today means to us. To the world today is just January 11, 2013. To us it is the day we should be welcoming our first baby into the world.

We are forever grateful for the short 14 weeks we had with that precious baby, but we mourn the time we don't have with him. No matter how much time has gone by, or how much we have going on in our lives we think about that sweet little life, that precious baby we never got to meet. 

People try and tell me that if it wasn't for Otis and for losing him that we wouldn't have Kendall today. But that doesn't make it any easier. You can't replace one baby with another, no matter how hard you try. Parents are not supposed to lose babies. That isn't supposed to happen. It shouldn't happen. And today I am reminded how quickly life passes us by. It has almost been 6 months since we said goodbye to our Otis. I could lie and tell you that the pain goes away, but it doesn't. It comes in waves. The dates like today bring the pain on full force. The milestones in my current pregnancy are bitter sweet. I constantly feel guilty for enjoying this pregnancy. And I have a constant worry and anxiety that Kendall's life will end just like Otis'. 

Once you suffer a pregnancy loss you are never able to enjoy pregnancy again. You are no longer naive, thinking you are un-touchable. With Otis, once I hit my second trimester I just assumed I was home free. Boy was I wrong... This time around nothing, not one milestone has put me at ease. I am currently 23w5d pregnant, just 2 days away from Kendall being viable outside the womb. If she were born today, my hospital would take every measure to keep her alive. That should put me at ease! That should make me feel less anxious and more positive....but it doesn't. When you lose a baby, no matter what gestation or age, you are never fully at ease. 

So today, keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we remember what should have been. 

 Sweet gift from Josh. The first bead has tiny baby feet on it. He selected that charm because he said all of our future kiddos' feet will continue to grow, but Otis' will forever remain tiny baby feet. 

An Angel Never Dies
Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.