20 weeks

I should be 20 weeks pregnant today. We should be seeing our sweet boy on his anatomy scan today. We should be in the ultrasound room at my OB's office as I'm typing this. I should be feeling him move every day. I should be growing bigger every week.
But I'm not. Instead, I'm at home trying to stay busy so I don't cry. This has been the hardest day since we lost him. I am so sad today. I am depressed, angry, confused still.
I have come to the realization that everything we had planned before all this, doesn't matter anymore. God obviously didn't want our lives to go the way we were planning. Why? I don't have a clue. But through this I have learned to stop trying to micro-manage and plan every event in my life. It's make me physically ill to give this part of my life over to God completely, but I am working so hard on it. We have no idea what will come of Josh's injury, no clue where he will work when the Walgreen's/USA Drug buyout is over, no clue where we will live, when we will be blessed with a take-home baby...

I have been so mad at God for taking this precious life from us so soon. I have been angry at Him that He would allow this, but my sweet sister pointed something out to me. It is helping me cope and come back to God. She text me Wednesday and told me that it is so easy to get caught up in our own grief, but to remember God lost a child, too. "I will never have to feel the crown of thorns He wore for me, but I will always have a reminder of the pain He suffered just for me."-Hope for today, promises for tomorrow.

So for now, I'll cling to my ever-supportive husband. I'll pray every chance I get that God will someday bless us with all these definite things. I'll talk about our boy whenever I get the opportunity.

I should be 20 weeks pregnant today, but I'm empty...

Sweet Otis,
     Today we should be seeing you on ultrasound at 20 weeks gestation. You should be growing so big every week by now. We should be putting down a down-payment on a home, planning your nursery, getting things monogrammed with your real name, buying you fun things.
     But God needed you more than we did. He took you from us before we got to do these things. I know you are happy and safe in Heaven with God and your cousins, but we sure would love to see you. Please hug them for their mama's.
     We miss you so much it hurts. We love you to the moon and back, sweet child.
-Mama and Daddy

Here is a song Josh found and played for me the week Otis was taken from us.
Still by Gerrit Hofsink
**Play**

PS. I got the sweetest gift in the mail today from a sweet friend from church. The prettiest necklace in remembrance of our Otis. Thanks so much, Brittney!