Memories....

After learning of a friend going through the devastating loss of her sweet baby, it brings back so many difficult memories. I am so glad I am able to be there for women experiencing what I have, but it's not fair. It's not fair for any of us to know this pain. 

We lost our boy 13 weeks and 3 days ago. The pain I feel today is just as strong as it was that day. They say, "Time heals all wounds". I don't know who "they" is, but they are idiots, and so wrong. The day of my D&C procedure was so difficult. I haven't talked about the feelings I had that day, because I've tried so hard to block that all out. But, in all reality it can't be blocked out. 

Josh had an appointment with a specialist that morning, and I knew he may miss my procedure. My mom and Ryan took me to the hospital while Josh's mom took him to his appointment. When I first got there, the lady took my insurance info and my ID. She told me how much my procedure would cost and all I could think was how can you put a price on the death of my child? I don't care how much it costs! 

When it was my turn to go back to pre-op, Josh hadn't made it back to the hospital yet. I went back alone. The nurses were so sweet. They got me all hooked up with my IV, started running the antibiotics and saline. They asked me 21 questions, some were easy to answer and some weren't. When they asked me a hard question that made me cry, they just apologized. Finally when they were done my mom and sister were able to come back with me. Jake was there, too. :) He kept my mood light. I broke down and cried a few times. Just 5 minutes before they took me back for my procedure Josh and his mom got there. Josh came back and held me for a few minutes. I cried. I cried out of anger, confusion, being scared for my procedure, frustration...I just cried. 

My nurse told me my doctor was ready early and we could go back earlier. I said bye to my family through tears. The nurse wheeled me to a little holding room where she said my anesthesiologist came in and talked to me. He asked me the same questions. He was really great, explained everything to me, and made me feel like he was there for me that day. After he left I was just left there to wait for my doctor to get ready. I waited for what felt like an eternity. It was only about 10 minutes. I laid there in that bed cold and crying. I was so alone and so scared. I prayed to God for understanding. I asked him "Why?" I cursed him. I laid there holding onto my belly and telling my dead baby how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. 

Finally the nurse came and got me and wheeled me into the OR. It was cold, white, and scary in there! Dr Bell was talking to me as he was giving me the knock out meds. I was talking to him one minute, then my arms went limp and I was gone.

The next thing I remember was waking up in post op with a sore throat and cramps so bad the pain meds weren't touching it. I woke up crying. They gave me more pain meds, gave me a Dr Pepper, and told me to rest for a few minutes. When I was finally awake enough my mom and Josh got to come back with me. We had to hang out there for a while until I was able to urinate on my own and get dressed. 

When I arrived at that hospital that morning, I was 14w5d pregnant. When I left that hospital, I was no longer pregnant. 

The very next day I no longer felt pregnant. The symptoms were gone. I cramped badly for a few days. It was just reminder that I no longer had my little baby. I am still very bitter about my loss. 

I hate seeing people go through a loss like this. It's not fair. It's not right. And it's not natural. No one should know the pain of losing a baby. It takes away every ounce of innocence a woman has in pregnancy. I will never be able to fully enjoy a pregnancy again because I know better. Whenever someone announces an early pregnancy on facebook all I can think is, "Oh no...now if something happens they have to un-announce that pregnancy." But you know what, good for them for having the balls to announce that early!! At least then they can enjoy their pregnancy. 

Anyway, just had to get this all off my chest. Today, I still think about that baby everyday. I wonder who he would've been. I wonder if he felt any pain while he was dying. I wonder what I could have done to keep him alive. There is nothing anyone can say that makes feel better. Once you experience a loss such as this, you no longer worry what people will think of your thought process or you grief process. I don't care if you like this blog post. I don't care if you like my facebook posts. This is my outlet. This is my healing process.