I had a plethora of blood work drawn just 15 days after losing our sweet babe. 11vials, to be exact. Dr. Canzoneri wanted to test for underlying conditions that may have contributed to our loss. I really just wanted something to come back abnormal so we would have an answer, any answer. But, thankfully and annoyingly, all my tests came back normal. No answers to our late miscarriage, no idea of what to do next, no comfort in knowing I did nothing wrong.
I know it's silly, because I should be overly grateful for normal results, but I just wanted answers. Now, we have nothing to go on but to try again and watch more closely if I get pregnant again.
I started a new job this week at Ozark Dermatology. It is exactly what I needed at this stage in life! I work Monday-Thursday 9-1. I wanted a part time job so I could focus more on school and home. Eventually, if we get to have any living babies, I want to stay at home as much as possible with them.
Today, I am SICK of seeing pregnant ladies and new mommies post on facebook and twitter how they are just "miserably sick" or they are "so tired from getting no sleep last night". Let me just tell ya something, I would give *anything* to have either of those problems! You are literally making me sick by complaining about having a baby that is causing you these terrible problems. <insert sarcasm.
I think I have moved out of the sad and depressed stage and right on into the pissed off/angry stage this week. I hate it, really. But, it's how I feel.
The one thing that has made me the most angry through this whole experience are friends and family completely withdrawing from Josh and I. I don't care how angry, sad, bitter I get, they should be there for us! You shouldn't avoid us, you shouldn't shun us. Of all the times we've needed anyone, now is the time we need everyone's support, prayers, love, and time.
I have my sister to thank for my sanity. Anytime I'm feeling down, I just text her. She always takes a minute to talk to me. I know it's probably extremely hard for you right now, but I appreciate your time so much, sister. I wish, so much, that we didn't have to know this pain and have this connection, but we do...and it is so unfair.
I also have Heather to thank for all the time she spends listening to me. Of all the people I have in my life, you listen the most. And you tell me the truth, even if I don't like it. I love you for that.
The point of posting this blog today, was to try and change my view. I read a blog post today from a lady who's experienced three miscarriages and sees lots of women go through it. Today she said she is changing her question of "Why?" to "What's next?" So, what's next? What do we do now?
We want kids. So we will try, and try again until I can get it right.
I know it's silly, because I should be overly grateful for normal results, but I just wanted answers. Now, we have nothing to go on but to try again and watch more closely if I get pregnant again.
I started a new job this week at Ozark Dermatology. It is exactly what I needed at this stage in life! I work Monday-Thursday 9-1. I wanted a part time job so I could focus more on school and home. Eventually, if we get to have any living babies, I want to stay at home as much as possible with them.
Today, I am SICK of seeing pregnant ladies and new mommies post on facebook and twitter how they are just "miserably sick" or they are "so tired from getting no sleep last night". Let me just tell ya something, I would give *anything* to have either of those problems! You are literally making me sick by complaining about having a baby that is causing you these terrible problems. <insert sarcasm.
I think I have moved out of the sad and depressed stage and right on into the pissed off/angry stage this week. I hate it, really. But, it's how I feel.
The one thing that has made me the most angry through this whole experience are friends and family completely withdrawing from Josh and I. I don't care how angry, sad, bitter I get, they should be there for us! You shouldn't avoid us, you shouldn't shun us. Of all the times we've needed anyone, now is the time we need everyone's support, prayers, love, and time.
I have my sister to thank for my sanity. Anytime I'm feeling down, I just text her. She always takes a minute to talk to me. I know it's probably extremely hard for you right now, but I appreciate your time so much, sister. I wish, so much, that we didn't have to know this pain and have this connection, but we do...and it is so unfair.
I also have Heather to thank for all the time she spends listening to me. Of all the people I have in my life, you listen the most. And you tell me the truth, even if I don't like it. I love you for that.
The point of posting this blog today, was to try and change my view. I read a blog post today from a lady who's experienced three miscarriages and sees lots of women go through it. Today she said she is changing her question of "Why?" to "What's next?" So, what's next? What do we do now?
We want kids. So we will try, and try again until I can get it right.
Chels, I don't know how I missed this post on your blog, but I did until now.
ReplyDeleteI have to take a HUGE exception to one thing you posted on here..."So we will try, and try again until I can get it right." I know you typed that somewhat with tongue in cheek, but I think even those things usually come from some actual feeling deep down. Baby, you did everything right and don't allow yourself to start doubting that.
You may have only had Otis for 110 days and not the lifetime we'd all hoped for you, but you WERE a mother. You loved Otis, took care of Otis, were proud of Otis, had dreams for Otis, and did all the things that mothers do.
You know that I love you more than I love my own life and I pray that you'll be able to have lots more mom experiences. But if, God forbid, you don't, face it kid, you ARE a mom, always will be a mom, and NOTHING will ever change that or take it from you. You already got it right.
Oh yeah, and have fun with the "trying" part ;)
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