2 weeks from today...bittersweet

In exactly 2 weeks we will be remembering what should be our sweet baby Otis' due date. We should be getting ready for his big debut into this world. I should be putting the finishing touches on his nursery, having my sister help me install his carseat properly in the car, packing my overnight hospital bag and his diaper bag. We should be anxiously and impatiently awaiting his arrival. We should be having feelings of joy, nervousness, and excitement.

Instead we are left to mourn what would have been. We are simply waiting for the days to pass to get to viability for the baby we have now. Instead of welcoming Otis into the world on January 11, 2013 we get to celebrate Kendall's viability date. While this is very exciting and a huge deal to us, it's not what we were expecting just 7 months ago. While we are so happy and overjoyed to have the huge blessing that is Kendall Brooke, we mourn our sweet Otis.

The next 2 weeks will be very bittersweet and filled with anxiety. I always said I wanted to celebrate Otis' birthday. I don't know how we will do that, or if we will do that on his "due date" or on his "angelversary". I just knew that if I had the opportunity to be pregnant before his due date came around it would be so much easier to get through...but I'm not so sure that's going to be the case.

The hardest part for me is seeing people who share my due date or very close to it. Just watching them progress and be 38 weeks pregnant this week is absolutely heart wrenching. I have been able to distance myself from these people, and I thank God that He's made it so easy for me.

I'm finding it really difficult to connect with Kendall here lately because I feel so guilty about being happy when I should still be mourning the baby we lost, the baby we never got to know. I have a few friends who are also approaching what should be their due dates and they are also newly pregnant again. While we are all so excited and happy to have the blessings in our tummies now, I know that we are all mourning still.

So for the next few weeks, as I approach my due date and my friends approach theirs I ask for extra prayers of strength and comfort. Keep us all in your prayers and thoughts. And remember to hug your babies extra every night for those of us that never got to.

I pray that the next 2 weeks will fly by for me. I pray we get to 24 weeks with Kendall so I have the relief that should something happen, she can survive outside my body.

Merry Christmas, from the 3 of us!

How far along? 21 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 14 lbs+
Maternity clothes? Still rockin' the maternity leggings and 2 pair of jeans.
Stretch marks? around my belly 
Sleep: My hip pain keeps me awake a lot.
Best moment this week: Josh feeling Kendall move every night!!!
Miss Anything? Not really...
Movement: Kendall moves all the time & I love it so much!! Everyone was right when they said it is the best part of pregnancy :)
Food cravings: still loving sweets.. I scored some Christmas candy from Josh :)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing. Just heartburn!
Have you started to show yet: Oh yes. People in public now notice and ask when I'm due!
Gender: Still a Girl
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In for now
Wedding rings on or off? On but tight!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty moody these days :-/
Looking forward to: 24 weeks :) Just 16 more days until my next big milestone. Viability, here we come!

We had our last Christmas as a family of 2 this year. It was pretty un-traditional and chaotic for us, being that we still don't have a house right now! Just one more month and it'll be done!! We spent Christmas Eve with my family and had a yummy Mexican themed dinner. Then on Christmas day we spent the day with Josh's family at his grandparents house. We can't wait for our next Christmas :) We have already started talking about our traditions. We are so excited! 

Halfway there & nursery inspiration :)

How far along? 20 Weeks 2 Days
Total weight gain/loss: +14 lbs
Maternity clothes? Lots of maternity leggings and my favorite pair of Motherhood jeans :)
Stretch marks? On my belly :(
Sleep: I had my first dream about Kendall last night! She was tiny, and perfect, and had a head full of dark hair :)
Best moment this week: Feeling Kendall move from the outside!!!
Miss Anything? The desire to drink coffee
Movement: She's rockin' and rollin'
Food cravings: Nothing this week!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Kendall was moving around so much last night she made me nauseated!
Have you started to show yet: Oh yes!
Gender: Still a girl!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, Happy!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every second :)
Looking forward to: Our home being done. I am SO ready to set up Kendall's nursery!

This week I got Kendall's quilt in from Pottery Barn and it is SO dang cute! Her colors will be different shades of purples, different shades of aquas, a little green, and some gray thrown in. Here is some inspiration :)

This is her quilt. It's a little darker in person. (see pictures below)

Ordering these prints off Etsy that were made to go with her bedding which is also pictured.

Had this print personalized for her room from Etsy.

I ordered her crib mobile off Etsy also :) It is similar to this, but with aqua and gray tied in.

I'll also be ordering this print off Etsy!

I'll be posting a blog on the progress of our home soon! We meet with the builder to walk  through tomorrow :)

Happy Tuesday!

19 weeks-our little Mango!

How far along? 19 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: 13 lbs
Maternity clothes? I am rocking the maternity leggings like no one's business this week! :)
Stretch marks? On my belly :(
Sleep: Overrated. My hips throb and wake me up at night. My 3-4 potty breaks keep me awake for hours. But it's SO worth it.
Best moment this week: Seeing Kendall on ultrasound for 2 hours!!!!
Miss Anything? Nope
Movement: She's getting wild and crazy in there!!
Food cravings: Rolo's
Anything making you queasy or sick: I ate a croissanwich from BK and it made me SICK.
Have you started to show yet: Yep, getting bigger!
Gender: It’s a Girl!!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: I have been insanely moody this week :( Sorry, Josh!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every single second of pregnancy!! It flies by!
Looking forward to: Holding this girl in my arms in 4 months!!!

We had my 19 week OB appointment and my appointment with Dr. Canzoneri, the maternal-fetal-medicine specialist, on Monday! Kendall's heart rate was 160 at my OB appointment. Everything looked and sounded perfectly on track :) Then we went and got me a hot chocolate and lunch at panera (which Kendall really enjoyed). Drove over to the MFM's office for my anatomy scan and they spent TWO hours chasing this little girl around! They measured her legs, her belly, her arms, her head (after much coercing). They checked her heart (no holes, pumps perfectly), her kidneys, bowels, nose, mouth, ears...they checked everything!!! They asked me if we knew what she was, I told them we were told she's a girl. They checked and sure enough, no danglers! She's all girl :) She's measuring 3 days ahead still, weighs 10oz, and about 9in long, heart rate was 155. Her head is down in my pelvis and she was trying to hide from Dr. Canzoneri :) She head butts me a lot! She did NOT like all the poking and prodding they were doing. Then she got the hiccups and it was the most adorable sight! We are completely smitten over this sweet girl! Here are a few of the precious shots we got of her :)

Here is a sweet side profile of her head. I love that fat little lip!!

Still a girl :) "No danglers"

Here you can see her legs were bent at the knees and her tiny little feet are crossed!

Here is a shot of her tiny little feet crossed. Look closely for 10 tiny toes :)

Our little secret :)

As I sit here and do homework I am amazed at the little fireworks show going off in my belly. I love to feel her move at this stage because no one else can :) It's just like a little secret between me and Kendall!  I was actually brought to tears this afternoon as I sat and felt her moving. I am in complete awe at what God has done in my life in the past year.

Just 5 months ago my world came crashing down. I was empty, abandoned, and angry. Little did I know that had we not had the life changing experiencing of loving a baby we would never know we wouldn't have what we have now. I still wonder about who Otis would be, had he been born. I think about him often. We still miss him, and we still remember him. But we know without losing him we would never get to experience Kendall.

My heart aches for the baby we will never know in this world. My heart aches for the friends and family who have babies they will never know in this world. Sometimes, I feel guilty for enjoying this pregnancy so much because I feel like I should still be mourning our loss. But then I remember that God gave us this life. I can't dwell on what would have been because I have to take care of me for Kendall.

After speaking with a friend last week, who also experienced a heart-wrenching loss, I realized that this baby may just be the only thing that forced me to continue healing emotionally and mentally. After we found out we were expecting again I woke up and realized I *have* to get well for this baby. I am certainly not "healed". I have a long way to go, but I'm working on it. I often wonder if God gave Kendall to us so soon after losing Otis because He knew I wouldn't heal without her.

I fear losing Kendall daily. And I know this is normal. I know that I will never feel "safe" until she is in my arms in 4.5 months. I just pray for God to take the anxiety from me daily and I pray for an uneventful 4.5 months ahead.

In just one day we get to see Kendall again. I go for my 20 week OB appointment Monday morning and then my appointment with my Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist Monday afternoon. They will do the big anatomy ultrasound and check all Kendall's organs and measurements. We pray that we will get normal results of a healthy baby and pregnancy. I can't wait to update with pictures and (hopefully) good news. Until then, I'll leave you with my favorite 3D shot of her so far :) It shows her chubby little belly!

17 Weeks :)

I am 17 weeks & 3 days pregnant today! This is huge!! We are getting more and more excited about seeing our baby girl again in just 11 days on my big 20 week ultrasound :) I just wanted to update with belly pics throughout the pregnancy thus far. I've been slacking on keeping my blog updated. Here goes! Starting with the earliest pics first :)

And now on to 17 weeks :) 

How far along? 17 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: +7lbs
Maternity clothes? I am rocking the maternity jeans and leggings :)
Stretch marks? On my belly :(
Sleep: I’m sleeping fairly well, aside from the 3-4 potty breaks a night.
Best moment this week: Listening to our Kendall on Doppler every night.
Miss Anything? Dr. Pepper!!!
Movement: I feel little flutters and twitches
Food cravings: I have been craving philly cheese steaks and Taco Bell
Anything making you queasy or sick: When I don’t eat soon enough, I get sick and hangry.
Have you started to show yet: Yep
Gender: It’s a Girl!!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Both
Weekly Wisdom: Stay hydrated. When I need water, I cramp. :-/
Looking forward to: Getting Kendall’s bedding in the mail!!!

A letter to our daughter :)

Kendall,
     
       Your daddy and I got to see you a couple weeks ago. Like most ultrasounds so far, you were dancing around in there! We got to share that moment with your Nena and Pop & your Nana Papa. Daddy and I were pretty impatient as the tech measured your little head, belly, and femur. She looked at all your little organs and even showed us your 4 chambers in your heart :) You looked perfect in there!!

       Then she asked for our guesses of gender. Pop and I said BOY! Daddy, Nana and Papa all said GIRL! Nena said she wasn't sure ;) The tech looked around at a few different angles for any boy parts sticking out. She couldn't find any so she started looking closer in between your legs. When I told her I thought I saw a "hamburger" she zoomed in and looked and said "Looks like a GIRL!" I was in complete disbelief because I just knew you were a boy ;) (Way to surprise mama like that!!) I started crying tears of complete joy and your daddy was just beaming with happiness! We are so excited to be having a sweet little girl!

      We get to see you again in another 11 days and we are so excited! We can't wait to see how much you've grown and to see your tiny little features again :)

      You are so blessed to have such amazing men in your life to protect you and baby you. (the way my daddy did me ;)) Your Pop will spoil you rotten and your daddy is so excited to have a girl :) I pray I can be the mama to you that my mama is to me! She has been my biggest supporter in life, my best friend, my confidante, and the best mama a girl could have!

      I have been so excited about raising a little girl that I finally talked daddy into letting me order your nursery bedding! It's beautiful. Your room will be purple, aqua, and gray.

      I don't know how I can wait another 5 months to hold you in my arms and kiss your tiny nose. Daddy has started reading books to you at night :) He says he looks so forward to story time with you as you grow up.

     Until we get to hold you in our arms, your big brother is in Heaven watching over you. I wish, so much, that you were able to meet him on this earth one day. I know he would be so proud of you!

We love you, sweet baby girl.
-Mama and Daddy

It's a GIRL!!!

We are so excited to the share the big news about Miss Kendall!

 We went and had an elective gender ultrasound done this past weekend and learned that we are having a sweet little girl! :) I was just absolutely positive I was having a boy....I was wrong! My parents and Josh's parents came with us and it was so amazing to see that little tiny 6oz baby dancing around in there. She is perfect! We saw her 10 tiny fingers and toes, her heart pumping away, her chubby little belly, and her little girly parts ;) I was 15w6d and she was measuring at 16w1-3d. So still 2-4 days ahead! Josh is so excited! He wanted a little girl so badly. I can't wait to see him with her :)

Here are a few pitcures we got of her

 Here is her sweet little profile :)

 Here she is rubbing her eyes/face and has her little legs crossed.

And this one shows her little girly parts! Right in between her legs are 3 little lines. This indicates a girl :)

We are so excited to add Kendall Brooke to our family in 5 months!!

14 weeks pregnant & Deja Vu

Just 16 weeks ago to this day we got the most heart wrenching news of our lives. We learned that our first baby had died. I was 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant when we got that news. We knew something wasn't right before we saw his little lifeless body that day, but we still held on to some thread of hope.

Today I am 14 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I am terrified of losing this little life, as well. My mind goes places I know it shouldn't go. I think about that day and wonder when it's going to happen with this little one. I just try and stay busy so as not to dwell on those thoughts.

The difference with this pregnancy is that I feel very pregnant. I listen to Milo's little heart beat every day and I can hear him/her moving around. The little heart beat moves up higher and higher every few days and I know that little life is growing! Last time, the heart beat was in the same spot every day. We never heard that movement like we do this time. And my symptoms mostly faded away. I chalked that up to being the second trimester last time, but in reality I should have known something was wrong.

In just 6 short days we will pass a milestone that I have been looking forward to since August 28th. I will be past the 15 week mark. It's not significant to most pregnancies. But, it is to ours. We never made it to 15 weeks before. It will be huge every week thereafter. And in just 12 short days the biggest milestone we have anticipated thus far! We will know whether our Milo needs pink or blue :)

I have disconnected myself from this pregnancy a lot. I haven't bought anything but a few baby and children's books, a pack of blue Calvin Klein onesies and a pack of pink Calvin Klein onesies, a few gender neutral things and that's all. I feel bad for not connecting with this baby like I did with Otis, but I know it's just a defense mechanism. I can't wait until I feel relieved enough to delve into our planning this baby's nursery and life. :)

Josh is so excited about Milo. He woke me up this morning and told me he had been thinking about our Milo since he woke up :) That makes me so happy! He says he can't wait to set up the nursery in our new house this winter. Neither can I! I can't wait until I'm at a point mentally that I can do that!

So today, I am pregnant.

12 Weeks Later...

12 weeks ago today we lost our baby. July 17th, 2012 was, to date, the worst day of our lives. We were stripped of our first baby, our experience to be parents, and the innocence we had. We miss that sweet baby every day. We think about him, the person he would be, the way he would look, very often.

Now, just 12 short weeks later, I am 10 weeks pregnant. (I will be further along by the time I post this. This is as of October 8, 2012). Right after we decided to give it a break and wait a while before we tried to have a kiddo again, God had other plans for us and this sweet baby. I actually had NO idea I was pregnant until August 28th, 2012 when I happened to take a pregnancy test after getting positive OPKs for 8 days straight. Much to my surprise, it was *very* positive. So were the other 5 tests I took that week.

I called my doctor in complete shock, and told them I had gotten multiple positive tests. I went in that afternoon for a HCG quant. My numbers came back at 268, then less than two days later it was 575. After that second draw, I started spotting. My doctor did another quant a few days later and it was 4075. I was put on casual bedrest and told to wait until September 25th and if the pregnancy was viable we would find out then.

We had no way of knowing how far along I was, because after I had the D&C my cycle was so messed up we weren't really sure when my LMP was. I called the doctor and begged to have an ultrasound done sooner, as I couldn't mentally wait that long. The fact that I was pregnant at all, is quite a miracle. Because with a D&C they scrape the lining completely clean. That means there should have been nothing for that little baby to implant to and hang on to.

I went in for an ultrasound on September 4th, 2012. Baby was measuring 5w1d. There was a gestational sac and a yolk sac. No fetal pole yet. The doctor called me that evening and told me everything was there except for a heartbeat. She said if we had waited just a few days longer, we could have picked up the heartbeat. She scheduled me for another scan a week later.

On September 12, I went back in for another ultrasound. I was terrified. I just knew there would be no heartbeat. When they brought that tiny little baby up on the screen, the tech said, "There's baby....and there's the heart beat!" I cried. I cried with tears of joy, tears of relief, and tears of guilt. Josh just held my hand and watched that screen. Baby's heart rate was 120bpm. That night, Dr. Collins called me and said everything looked perfect and all was measuring perfect. She wanted to see me back in a week for my first prenatal appointment.

On September 17, Josh and I drove up to Fayetteville to see Dr. Collins for my first official appointment. I wasn't really expecting another ultrasound, but I sure was happy to get one! She brought baby up on the screen and the development over one week was absolutely amazing! You could make out baby's little body, head, and legs. The heart beat was flickering away so fast!! She flipped the sound on and we heard that heartbeat loud and clear at 154bpm. I cried, again :) She said baby was measuring between 7w2d and 7w3d. That was 1 or 2 days ahead!! Grow, baby, grow!!

I am now waiting for my 11 week appointment to come around. I go back to see Dr. Collins again on Monday, October 15th.

I actually found the baby's heart beat on my doppler today (Tuesday, October 7, 2012) at 10w2d :) It was a approximately 170bpm :) I recorded it and texted it to Josh. He was so happy to hear it!

EDIT:I started spotting again last night (10-10-12) Called my doc first thing that morning and they had me come in for an ultrasound. Baby is measuring 4 days ahead making measurements 11w1d instead of 10w4d :) That puts my due date at May 1, 2013. Heart rate was 167bpm. Baby was wiggling around, dancing, waving, kicking. It was precious. Here's a great picture of our little Milo :)

Here is one more baby picture and a few fun announcement photos!!

Anyway, all this to bring you up to date and get it out of my head. Unfortunately, I won't be posting this blog until closer to 13 weeks. We are waiting to announce this pregnancy for a while. Not because we are afraid of another miscarriage and having to tell everyone about it. Because I would still tell everyone about it. But, just because we are more comfortable waiting a while.

We are so excited to welcome this little life into our lives, but we could never replace our Otis. He was our first baby. He will always be our little Otis. We will never forget him. We will never stop celebrating and remembering his little life. We will incorporate his life into the lives of our future children.

Edited to add- It is now 14 & 1/2 weeks later and I am 12 weeks and 5 days pregnant :) Measuring 4 days ahead. Due date is Cinco De Mayo!! 5/5/2013 :)

Memories....

After learning of a friend going through the devastating loss of her sweet baby, it brings back so many difficult memories. I am so glad I am able to be there for women experiencing what I have, but it's not fair. It's not fair for any of us to know this pain. 

We lost our boy 13 weeks and 3 days ago. The pain I feel today is just as strong as it was that day. They say, "Time heals all wounds". I don't know who "they" is, but they are idiots, and so wrong. The day of my D&C procedure was so difficult. I haven't talked about the feelings I had that day, because I've tried so hard to block that all out. But, in all reality it can't be blocked out. 

Josh had an appointment with a specialist that morning, and I knew he may miss my procedure. My mom and Ryan took me to the hospital while Josh's mom took him to his appointment. When I first got there, the lady took my insurance info and my ID. She told me how much my procedure would cost and all I could think was how can you put a price on the death of my child? I don't care how much it costs! 

When it was my turn to go back to pre-op, Josh hadn't made it back to the hospital yet. I went back alone. The nurses were so sweet. They got me all hooked up with my IV, started running the antibiotics and saline. They asked me 21 questions, some were easy to answer and some weren't. When they asked me a hard question that made me cry, they just apologized. Finally when they were done my mom and sister were able to come back with me. Jake was there, too. :) He kept my mood light. I broke down and cried a few times. Just 5 minutes before they took me back for my procedure Josh and his mom got there. Josh came back and held me for a few minutes. I cried. I cried out of anger, confusion, being scared for my procedure, frustration...I just cried. 

My nurse told me my doctor was ready early and we could go back earlier. I said bye to my family through tears. The nurse wheeled me to a little holding room where she said my anesthesiologist came in and talked to me. He asked me the same questions. He was really great, explained everything to me, and made me feel like he was there for me that day. After he left I was just left there to wait for my doctor to get ready. I waited for what felt like an eternity. It was only about 10 minutes. I laid there in that bed cold and crying. I was so alone and so scared. I prayed to God for understanding. I asked him "Why?" I cursed him. I laid there holding onto my belly and telling my dead baby how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. 

Finally the nurse came and got me and wheeled me into the OR. It was cold, white, and scary in there! Dr Bell was talking to me as he was giving me the knock out meds. I was talking to him one minute, then my arms went limp and I was gone.

The next thing I remember was waking up in post op with a sore throat and cramps so bad the pain meds weren't touching it. I woke up crying. They gave me more pain meds, gave me a Dr Pepper, and told me to rest for a few minutes. When I was finally awake enough my mom and Josh got to come back with me. We had to hang out there for a while until I was able to urinate on my own and get dressed. 

When I arrived at that hospital that morning, I was 14w5d pregnant. When I left that hospital, I was no longer pregnant. 

The very next day I no longer felt pregnant. The symptoms were gone. I cramped badly for a few days. It was just reminder that I no longer had my little baby. I am still very bitter about my loss. 

I hate seeing people go through a loss like this. It's not fair. It's not right. And it's not natural. No one should know the pain of losing a baby. It takes away every ounce of innocence a woman has in pregnancy. I will never be able to fully enjoy a pregnancy again because I know better. Whenever someone announces an early pregnancy on facebook all I can think is, "Oh no...now if something happens they have to un-announce that pregnancy." But you know what, good for them for having the balls to announce that early!! At least then they can enjoy their pregnancy. 

Anyway, just had to get this all off my chest. Today, I still think about that baby everyday. I wonder who he would've been. I wonder if he felt any pain while he was dying. I wonder what I could have done to keep him alive. There is nothing anyone can say that makes feel better. Once you experience a loss such as this, you no longer worry what people will think of your thought process or you grief process. I don't care if you like this blog post. I don't care if you like my facebook posts. This is my outlet. This is my healing process. 

We're coming home :)

It's been a while since I've posted and let me tell ya, a lot has happened! A few weeks ago, a friend told Josh about a job opening at Prince Drug in Fort Smith. He was still trying to recover from his injury and had just gone back to work at USA, so he asked around about the position and kind of shrugged it off. A week later, Prince Drug management called Josh and really wanted to talk to him about the position. We went to Fort Smith last Saturday and Josh went in to talk to the owner. He was very negative about it and basically felt it would be a waste of his time, thinking they would expect him to buy into the company. Obviously, we can't do that right now after all that's happened to us. Anyway, my mom and I kept telling just be positive about it! He went on in to the store and was there for over an hour talking to the guys! After he got done, he called me and said, "I feel really good about it!" We of course said, "I told you so!" We talked about it, prayed about it, and weighed the pros and cons. We decided IF they offered him the job, we would take it. The next day, Sunday at 1pm, they called and offered him the job! This is a huge answer to prayer!
Since we suffered the loss of Otis, I have prayed and prayed that God would send us something to get us back home. After all we've been through, all I want is to be close to our families. This job fell in our laps and could not have been anything other than a gift from God. It is better money, better hours, an independent pharmacy with opportunity to own when ready, much better opportunity for Josh.
Anyway, we are moving this weekend!! We will be staying primarily with Josh's parents, but some with mine as well until our townhome here rents out and we find a house to rent. (If any of you know of a nice 3bd 2bath home with fenced in backyard for rent in the FSM/VB area, please let me know!)
So, we have A LOT going on in our lives right now, more than meets the eye, and we need all the prayer we can get! I can't wait to update you all in a few weeks after we get settled back at "home". :)

Thank you all for the prayers and thoughts! Keep em coming!

20 weeks

I should be 20 weeks pregnant today. We should be seeing our sweet boy on his anatomy scan today. We should be in the ultrasound room at my OB's office as I'm typing this. I should be feeling him move every day. I should be growing bigger every week.
But I'm not. Instead, I'm at home trying to stay busy so I don't cry. This has been the hardest day since we lost him. I am so sad today. I am depressed, angry, confused still.
I have come to the realization that everything we had planned before all this, doesn't matter anymore. God obviously didn't want our lives to go the way we were planning. Why? I don't have a clue. But through this I have learned to stop trying to micro-manage and plan every event in my life. It's make me physically ill to give this part of my life over to God completely, but I am working so hard on it. We have no idea what will come of Josh's injury, no clue where he will work when the Walgreen's/USA Drug buyout is over, no clue where we will live, when we will be blessed with a take-home baby...

I have been so mad at God for taking this precious life from us so soon. I have been angry at Him that He would allow this, but my sweet sister pointed something out to me. It is helping me cope and come back to God. She text me Wednesday and told me that it is so easy to get caught up in our own grief, but to remember God lost a child, too. "I will never have to feel the crown of thorns He wore for me, but I will always have a reminder of the pain He suffered just for me."-Hope for today, promises for tomorrow.

So for now, I'll cling to my ever-supportive husband. I'll pray every chance I get that God will someday bless us with all these definite things. I'll talk about our boy whenever I get the opportunity.

I should be 20 weeks pregnant today, but I'm empty...

Sweet Otis,
     Today we should be seeing you on ultrasound at 20 weeks gestation. You should be growing so big every week by now. We should be putting down a down-payment on a home, planning your nursery, getting things monogrammed with your real name, buying you fun things.
     But God needed you more than we did. He took you from us before we got to do these things. I know you are happy and safe in Heaven with God and your cousins, but we sure would love to see you. Please hug them for their mama's.
     We miss you so much it hurts. We love you to the moon and back, sweet child.
-Mama and Daddy

Here is a song Josh found and played for me the week Otis was taken from us.
Still by Gerrit Hofsink
**Play**

PS. I got the sweetest gift in the mail today from a sweet friend from church. The prettiest necklace in remembrance of our Otis. Thanks so much, Brittney!

The short life of baby Otis

On Saturday, April 28, 2012 we got our first positive pregnancy test. I took about 4 more in the following 3 days just to make sure ;) I called my doctor Monday and they had me come in to draw blood quant for HCG and progesterone. They had me come in 2 more times 2 days apart to make sure my levels were doubling as they should. They doubled beautifully, as they should :) We were ecstatic! 

On Thursday, May 31, 2012 we got to see our sweet little bean for the first time! I was 7weeks and 6days pregnant and the baby had the strongest little heartbeat just fluttering away at 141bpm. I cried when I first saw the little bean :) We heard the heart beating on my handheld fetal doppler on Tuesday, June 19, 2012. It was so fast and so amazing! Of course, I cried again. Just knowing this little baby was growing inside me, was amazing. I had officially fallen in love with this sweet little babe we lovingly referred to as "Otis" just for fun. I listened for "his" heartbeat a couple times a week and I grew to know just where to find it :) Very low on my right sided tummy. It was always so loud and so fast at around 159-167bpm.

I continued to have a couple of very uneventful weeks full of excitement over being pregnant with our first baby. I didn't experience a whole lot of nausea, just when I got hungry. So I ate and stayed un-hungry :)

On Thursday, June 28, 2012 at just 12 weeks pregnant I began to bleed a little bit. I immediately freaked out, called the doctor and they told me to go home from work and lay down until they could get a hold of my doctor. She was in surgery at the time. About 5 minutes after I got home from work they called me and told me to go to the Har-Ber clinic and get an ultrasound. I was still absolutely terrified, but I managed to drive to the other side of Springdale in tears the whole way to check on our Otis. The ultrasound turned out perfect. He measured 11weeks and 6days, 164bpm, moving around like normal. I had my 12 week appointment the next day and when I went in to see Dr. Collins, she went over the ultrasound, said everything looked perfect, listened to his heartbeat and sent me on my way until my 16 weeks appointment.

Unfortunately, we never made it that far :-/ This is where things took a turn for the worst.

On Saturday, July 14, 2012 Josh and I travelled to Broken Arrow to visit my sister, Derick, and Jake. We were also going to check on our Otis and see if we get lucky and see girl or boy parts. Josh, Derick, Jake, and myself went to Bass Pro Shops after lunch to kill time while my sister finished up at a craft fair. We spent some time looking at the "big fishies" with Jake. He loves them :) Then we went upstairs and checked out the camping goods, guns, and finally the bows. Josh was checking out the bows when he suffered a severe eye injury. The bows were all zip tied together so you couldn't pull the strings. Well, he happened upon one that wasn't zip tied. He pulled the string back, and brought it back to place. Pulled it back again, and it slipped out of his hand. A plastic cable slide flew off the bow and hit his eye. His vision went from blurry to gone in less than 60 seconds in his right eye. And the colored part of his eye filled with blood.

    Derick drove us to the ER at St. John's hospital where Josh was seen immediately. The ER Doctor was fabulous. She examined Josh's eye, told him she assumed it was a traumatic hyphema. This is where the anterior chamber fills with blood due to an injury. She gave Josh some numbing eye drops and made sure he was comfortable while she tried to get a hold of the Opthamologist on call. That doctor, and apparently another on call doctor, refused to see Josh. They told the doctor to send him home and have him follow up with an optho in Arkansas on Monday.
    Thank God, Dr. Cain wouldn't accept that answer and called the on call optho at OSU Medical in Tulsa. He said to send Josh over immediately, he would meet him in the ER. We quickly made our way to OSU Medical Center, in the ghetto of Tulsa. No joke. Actually, when we got there, the hospital was on lock down. :)
   Dr. Chamberlain came in about 15 minutes after we got there and evaluated Josh completely. We discussed with him our disappointment in the other two doctors and he assured us that issue would be adressed as that was unacceptable. He told us that this injury is grounds for admission and absolutely NOT something to mess around with, but if we could get his occular pressure down, he could go home as long as he followed up with Dr. Chamberlain Monday morning. Josh's occular pressure was at 44 when we got to the hospital. Over 30 is considered dangerous. He gave Josh a series of 4 different eye drops, 2 oral meds and check his pressure 1 hour later. It had dropped to 30. He wanted it BELOW 30 to go home. He gave Josh the drops and meds series again and checked his pressure about 30 minutes later and the pressure dropped to 26. At this point, he was able to go home with strict orders to return to clinic Monday morning at 9am.

In the meantime, on Sunday, July 15, we drove up to the hospital where my sister works and peeked in on our little Otis. As soon as she pulled him up on the ultrasound machine, we could see he wasn’t really moving much. I just assumed he was sleeping and didn’t think much of it. Ryan continued to poke and prod around on my belly and tried to get him to move. He just was not moving. I could tell she was worried, but I had just heard his heartbeat four days before this. It was beating at 164 on Thursday. I had just felt Otis move for the first time ever just three days before this on Friday. She told me to check for his heartbeat on Monday as soon as we got home and if I found it, everything was fine. If I couldn’t find it, call my doctor asap. At this point, I felt terrible for my sister. She was stuck between a rock and hard place. If she said something to me and got me all freaked out and the baby was ok, she felt terrible for alarming me. But, if she didn't say anything to me, and we found he had no heartbeat a week later at our 16 week appointment, she would feel terrible for not saying anything to me.

Well, Monday morning rolled around and we took Josh to his appointment with Dr. Chamberlain. He checked his ocular pressure and everything looked well enough for us to go home, but he referred Josh to see Dr Adams here in Springdale the following day.

We left Broken Arrow and drove home that afternoon. As soon as we got back home, I ran straight to get the Doppler to check on our Otis. I placed the wand exactly where I knew his heartbeat was….nothing. Just the beat of my own heart. I searched around a little, thinking maybe he moved…..nothing. I searched and searched from about 10 minutes….nothing. I called my doctor’s, in tears and freaking out, and they put me through to a nurse. I told her I have been able to find this baby’s heartbeat for the past 4 weeks and I could not find it anywhere. She assured me that sometimes it is hard to find the heartbeat this early. I knew this was true, but I also knew exactly where to find my baby's heartbeat. She told me to come in to the office right then and they would check with their doppler just to ease my mind.
   Josh and I drove to the doctor's office in tears and were seen immediately. The nurse searched with their Doppler and kept finding my heartbeat at 120bpm. She said she thought that was the baby’s. I kept telling her no it wasn’t, that was mine. They baby never had a heartbeat under140bpm. So she said let's go get a quick ultrasound to check on baby. We went to the ultrasound room and Dr. Hardman came in to do the ultrasound. As soon as she pulled that sweet little baby up, I knew my answer. He was so still, so peaceful. She tried for about 5 minutes to get the baby to move and to see the heartbeat, but it just wasn't there. She told us she couldn't find it, and couldn't see the blood pumping through the heart when she changed it to color setting. She told me our baby only measure 12weeks and 6days. I told her I should be 14weeks and 5days. She told us he had stopped growing 2 weeks prior at 12weeks and 6days. She apologized and said our baby had no heartbeat. He was gone. Just like that, he was gone. I told her we had just heard his heartbeat the Thursday prior to this. She said it sounded like he hung on for 2 weeks after he stopped growing. She said she had to have another doctor confirm our loss to make the next step. They told me that because I was so far along, I had no choice but to have a d&c. This is where they put you to sleep, dilate you cervix, and remove the baby and all placental tissues from your uterus.
    While we waited for the other doctor to come in and confirm our loss I had Josh make a call to my mama and we prepared ourselves for the worst. About 10 minutes later a nurse came in and talked to me about a D&C. I told her I wanted it done asap. I really don't care how terrible this sounds, but I wanted it out of me right then.
    Dr. Markell and Dr. Hardman returned a short minute later and performed one last ultrasound, which verified that indeed, our baby had stopped growing at 12weeks and 6days. His heartbeat stopped sometime between Thursday and Sunday. They both expressed their apologies and Dr. Hardman stayed and explained the procedure to me. She checked my doctor's schedule and said Dr. Collins could do the D&C the next day at noon. 

My sister was right to have been worried. I am so grateful that she was the one who found our baby not moving and no heartbeat. But, I was devastated that she had to be the one to find it. She told he how incredibly sorry she was and she wished I never had to know this pain. The pain she has experienced three terrible times. She was the biggest support I had through all this and she remains my biggest support.
   
That was the worst day of my life. Everyday since then has been a huge struggle. The next morning, (Tuesday, July 17, 2012), my mama and Ryan drove up here and took me to the hospital for my d&c. Josh’s mom came up and took him to his appointment.

While I was getting prepped for surgery, Josh got done at his appointment and came up to the hospital. I got to see him right before they wheeled me back. He just held me for a few minutes and we cried. We finally got a few minutes to mourn the loss of our one and only baby.

The next few weeks, Josh was on bed rest, vision slowly coming back, bleeds slowly clearing up, ocular pressure still far too high. I saw my doctor for a followup 10 days after my procedure and she referred me to a maternity and fetal specialist for a workup. I saw Dr. Canzoneri the following day and he ordered a huge list of bloodwork to be done the following Monday. He assured me that we would de everything we could to keep from this happeneing again.

All my bloowork came back normal, with the exception of the MTHFR mutations, which we already knew about. His plan is for the next pregnancy, God willing there is one, I will immediately be put on baby aspirin along with 4mg of folic acid, B6, B12, and a pre-natal. He decided my gene mutation did not need any more anti-coalgulant, thank God because it is expensive.

Josh got to return to work a few weeks ago. He is doing well. Still recovering, still healing, still no complete return of vision. He saw his doctor again yesterday and his ocular pressure was a 40! That’s almost as high as it was the night of the injury! We also had his followup appointment with Dr Adams and he decided the injury caused an angle recession, meaning the draining mechanism in his eye shifted and is not functioning properly. It’s not allowing the eye to drain the fluid properly, which is causing the eye to clog, which is causing the insanely high pressure. They referred Josh to Dr Vold, a glaucoma specialist to discuss surgery.  We see him on Friday, August 24, 2012. So it seems this will be a very long process of healing.

I have since quit my job at the Ear, Nose, and Throat clinic due to personal reasons. God placed the perfect part-time job in my lap and I started working at Ozark Dermatology the Monday after my last day at ENT Clinic. It has been the best change of pace for me. It is exactly what I need for now and my co-workers are amazing.

I can honestly say, I have never experienced so much trauma as we have the past  39 days. While my husband was afraid he may never see again, we experienced the loss of our only baby. My faith in God has never been tested this way before. I have never been this angry with life and God as I am now. I still pray to Him everyday, I still do my devotions when I can. But I am so angry. What makes me so incredibly angry is that God allowed this to all happen to us. He let this happen. I know there is a reason for the events that have unfolded, and I know we will be able to use this whole experience to praise God one day, but that does not make these days any easier to handle.

For now, we are putting trying to have a family on hold. We are focusing on getting Josh healed. I am focusing on finishing school. We are still mourning the loss of our sweet Otis. (Many of you asked if we really named him that, and how did we know he was a boy. This baby has been and will always be “Otis” to us. We called him that from the first time we saw him. We don’t know for sure he was a boy. We think we saw boy parts on the last two ultrasounds we saw. We feel like he was our “Otis”.)

I pray every day for God to wrap His arms around us and comfort us. We haven’t been comforted yet. We have all these people praying for us. Praying for peace and comfort. But, we haven’t been comforted yet. When does this ache in my heart go away? When does the resentment towards pregnant women go away? When does the bitterness and anger leave us?

I can truly say if you have never experienced the loss of a child, you will never understand the pain, the torture, and the terrible feelings you live with daily. I long for the day when God takes all this pain away from us and blesses us with a child we have so deeply wanted and prayed for. Until then, we will trust that there is a light at the end of this long, painful tunnel. 

Here are a few photos to remember our little man. Baby Otis Rust 7/17/2012 :)

This is the tattoo I got to remember him

This is at 12 weeks 4 days pregnant. I *loved* being pregnant. :)

Let me elaborate :)

A few weeks ago, right after we suffered the loss of our Otis, I blogged a post on "What not to say to a woman suffering a miscarriage." I still stand firm on that post. If you missed it please read it here. Anyway, after a few weeks have passed, I feel the need to elaborate on why some of those cliche phrases are not appropriate. And I want to give credit for some of these to a friend in a support group, Tabitha, thanks for helping me express these thoughts!

The first one I'd like to address is "It wasn't meant to be." or "Everything happens for a reason." That doesn't make us feel better at all. In fact, it really takes away our right to grieve properly. If you're saying that my baby wasn't meant to be, but all the unwanted babies, or all the babies born to women who get them taken away, or all the babies who are killed by abortion each year were "meant to be" or those women were "meant to keep their babies", you are absurd. You don't get to think or say that my baby wasn't "meant to be." If he wasn't meant to be, God would not have given me that positive pregnancy test or those 14 weeks of pregnancy. My baby was here for his short life, and he had an agenda. We don't know what it was now, we may not ever know, but he did.

The next one, which I think I left out of my post, is "He's in a better place." While I'm glad he's with God and his cousins, there will never be a moment where I think he is in a better place. There is no place better for a baby than with his mama and daddy. No matter how strong my walk with God is or will ever be, I will always want Otis here with us. I am grateful I have a God to take care of him in Heaven, but he should still be here with me. End of story.

The next one, "You can always have another". You should NEVER say this to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child. You don't have any idea that I can successfully get pregnant again. You don't have any idea that I can carry a child to live, IF I can get pregnant. Just because someone is able to get pregnant once, does NOT automatically mean it will be cake the next go round. So, unless you have some sort of crystal ball and know without a doubt I'll get pregnant and get to bring a healthy baby home from the hospital one day, don't say this to me.

The last one I want to elaborate on is "It's time to move on". Where should I begin? First, you don't get to decide when my grief is expired. You don't get to say when enough is enough. This was not your child. Your child is still here, living, on earth. You see, I have every right to mourn the loss of my baby, the loss of life for my baby. Why you ask? Because when you lose a child you lose the past, the present, and the future. Not only for myself and Josh, but for this baby. So in all reality, I have a lifetime of mourning and grief left to do. The phrase "dwelling on the past" has no place in this subject of life.

I think that about sums it up :)
Happy Thursday, friends.