Our perfect little family.... +1

As I sit here snuggling my tiny 21 month old baby I am brought to tears by the overwhelming anxiety, nervousness and even guilt that the thought of adding another child to our mix brings me. I am terrified that my sweet girl will feel neglected or forgotten. I am terrified that I won't have time for her. At the same time I feel so proud and excited for her that she gets to experience the awesomeness of having a sibling.

Our entire world has been consumed by Kendall and only Kendall for 21 whole months now! It's really impossible for me to envision loving another little human as much I love and adore her....and that scares me. Don't get me wrong, I love this little guy already, but I don't really *know* him yet. What if I don't love him the same? What if I don't bond with him? How will I be able to find enough love and time for TWO kids?!

I have so much guilt that we haven't been able to properly prepare Kendall for a sibling because of how young she is. We have read her a Baby Brother book, we talk about Luke, she knows he's in Mommy's belly, and she knows where his bedroom and his belongings are....but let's be honest, she has no clue. On Monday she will go to play school for a while until after he is born and all cleaned up and all his testing done, then she'll come to the hospital and meet her new brother. I feel SO guilty that she'll go to school that morning just like normal and then come home to her whole world changed with no way to prepare or warn her. I feel guilty that the safe and secure little world she lives in will be shaken up and changed forever.

I wonder how I will be able to do it all with 2 kids. I already feel as though there is never enough time or enough me with one...how will I figure it out with 2?!
And then I get to the anxiety of actually having a newborn again. I don't remember most of what we did with Kendall and what worked for her, now we have to start all over again. I feel like I should feel confident being a mom of a newborn and I should feel like a seasoned parent, but I don't. I feel a lot of anxiety and fear about the first night home with him, and the first bath, and caring for a circumcised baby... There is so much that I don't know or I don't remember!

I know all these fears are irrational and probably silly, but they are real to me. I know I'm not the first mom to become a mom of two, but it's my whole world right now. I know we will all adjust and habits will change and things will fall into place, but I am so afraid for the transitional period for our little family.

In just 5 short days our family of 3 will become a family of 4. We will add another precious baby and our love for our kids will overflow, again. Things will be hectic and chaotic, but it will go so fast I won't remember the first days home or the sleepless nights....just like I don't remember them with Kendall. So today, I want to hold my big baby a little tighter and love on her a little longer because I want to remember these last 5 days with just her. I want her to know she is loved beyond measure and cherished more than anything in this world.

My suffering is a privilege...

“And the Lord said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job?’” --Job 1:8


Over the course of the past 2 years Josh and I have experienced loss of a child, trauma, major life change, job loss, struggle in our marriage and many more personal struggles. Every time one of these struggles happened I was at the strongest point in my relationship with God, my church, and my husband. In the past year I found that I've distanced myself from everything good in my life.

I realized today, as we recapped and closed out on our 'Why' series (a study of the Book of Job) at Community Bible church, that I've been doing the pulling away and neglecting of the most important parts of my life for a very specific reason. Subconsciously I've related the struggles and suffering with the high points and good relationships in my life.

When we lost Otis we were in a part of an amazing church, a community group with great friends, Josh had graduated and had a great job, we were at a good place in our marriage, and we were finding out the gender of our first baby. Life couldn't have been better, we thought. Then Josh had his traumatic eye injury, we lost our baby, and we learned USA Drug was being bought out and Josh's job was in danger.

Once I distanced myself from God, our church, and even my husband things were looking up again. Josh got a job back home and we found out we were expecting another sweet baby. I started working on my relationship with God again....and I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage.

It seemed to be a cycle where a good place spiritually was met with suffering and struggles. I couldn't understand why this was happening....shouldn't it be the other way around? So over the past year I have made it a point not to get involved in church too much, I've picked fights with Josh weekly to ensure our relationship wasn't too good, I've kept myself from meeting new friends, and I've even hindered my relationship with my precious child all in hopes that the suffering and struggles would stay away.

The Bible teaches us through Job that we serve a God who reveals himself through suffering and struggles. I've learned through Job that suffering and struggles are a characteristic of being a Christian. That because I am a Christian I will be called to suffer, I will be called to struggle. It's not a curse, it's a blessing and a privilege.

Another thing I've struggled with that the study of the Book of Job has taught me is that there isn't always a definite answer for everything. Sometimes things simply are. No reason. They just are. Sometimes there is an answer, but we will never know it. And sometimes it isn't why, but who. That answer is always 'God'.

Today, I am accepting that we lost our sweet Otis for a reason. A very valid reason. I have struggled for 496 days with the fact that my God, the God that is so merciful and so kind, would allow such a sad and terrible thing to happen to me. Something like losing a child should never happen, but it did. It happened, God allowed me suffer, and He allowed it for a reason. I am owning that. I am claiming it as a blessing, today.

I had 496 days to be angry with God, to ask 'Why?', to dwell on the 'what could have been'. I'm not saying I'm not still sad and that I don't think about it and wonder what the reason was, but I'm starting a new chapter in this journey. I don't know where this experience will lead me, but I'm ready.

I'm so grateful that God led us to Community Bible when He did. He certainly knew what He was doing.

"God controls our darkest days...Knowing the 'Who' empowers us through any 'Why'...Mercy received is always mercy given." -Kevin Thompson

Kendall: My 4 month old beauty 8.22.13

Our tiny Kendy Pie,
                     You are 4 months old today!! You are growing bigger and smarter every day! You haven't stopped amazing me and Daddy since day 1. You love to sleep, eat, and play. You enjoy being outside, going places, and playing with Daddy. You and I nap and snuggle together every day and we always giggle and play when you wake up.

                  You have learned how to roll and roll and roll until you are exhausted. You found your feet this month and you can't get enough of those fun little things ;) You are trying to scoot everywhere!! You are still the best little sleeper at night, sleeping from 8:30p-6a. You take 2 or 3 short naps and 1 long nap every day. 

                    You are the best baby we could ever wish for! You are beautiful, sassy, smart, and fun. Your personality is HUGE and it get bigger every day. We are so excited for the months to come!!

                          We love you to the moon and back,
                                                         Mama & Daddy

Kendall Brooke: 3 months 7.22.13

Our sweet girl,
          You are 3 months old today!!

            You start your days around 7am with a big grin, a fresh diaper, a bottle, and some cuddle time with mommy. When Daddy wakes up you play and make faces with him until you're sleepy, then it's nap time. When you wake from your morning nap you have another bottle, play some more, then snuggle with Mommy until you fall asleep again. You usually nap for a long time for this nap. Daddy goes to work now :( When you wake up you have another  bottle and play some more. You will lay on your pallet or your play mat and kick your legs or watch out the window in your swing. Around 5pm you will have another bottle, then you want Mommy's full attention. We usually walk around the house doing chores while I wear you. You fall asleep for your last little nap of the day around 6:30pm. You will wake around 7:30pm. I start getting things ready for bath and bedtime while you lay on your pallet fussing until it's bath time around 8pm. You get a warm bath every night, followed by lavender lotion, a warm bottle, and then we rock and sing until you're sleepy. We put you in your crib between 8:30pm and 9pm where you sleep for 8-10 hours straight.

         You have been rolling from tummy to back since May 29th, but you rolled from back to tummy yesterday, on July 21! You are such a big girl and it makes Mommy and Daddy sad to see how fast you are growing up. You love to go outside and sit. You hate tummy time. You love playing with Daddy and snuggling with Mommy. We took you to get your ears pierced today, July 22. You were such a big girl! You cried for about 60 seconds and then  you were fine. You are teething now and you get fussy sometimes, but nothing a little tylenol and snuggles can't fix :)

       
         We are so proud of you and all you've learned! We love you to the moon and back sweet sugar!
                        -Mama and Daddy

Kendall Brooke: 2 Months 6.22.13

Kendall Brooke,
        You are 2 months old!! Oh, how time has flown by! We have learned so much about you and we are constantly in awe of you.

         You are sleeping beautifully these days! Mama gives you a warm bath every night, followed by a rub down with some good ole J&J lavender. Then you enjoy a warm bottle as you wind down. We rock and sing a few songs, then put you to bed in your crib where you fall asleep watching your crib soother. You sleep from about 9:30pm-5am when you wake for a fresh diaper and a bottle. Mama feed you and then we fall to sleep in the recliner together until you decide to wake up for the day around 7am.

         You are having more fun with tummy time, but when you don't want to lay on your tummy you roll yourself over to your back like a big girl! Your favorite toy is your playtime mat. You will kick around and play for 10-30 minutes down there. You smile and grin all the time. You are one happy baby! You went swimming for the first time this month and you liked it for about 15 minutes ;)

       
          We are SO proud of you, little girl! Our love for you grows more every day. I didn't know that was possible!
                               We love you to the moon and back little lovey,
                                                                          -Mama & Daddy

I am not ashamed

Postpartum depression is no joke. It's a legit, terrible, scary thing. It comes at what should be the most exciting and enjoyable time of life. It puts a damper on the first parts of your baby's life and it's not fair. 

 

No one really talks much about PPD because it's seen as a shameful disease. But it's natural. It isn't a weakness or a character flaw. When you give birth you are flooded with new hormones and drained of others so quickly that your body doesn't know how to respond. Some respond well and others not so well. The American Psychiatric Association currently estimates that about 10% of women experience at least mild postpartum depression when a pregnancy ends.

Most women experience some degree of baby blues (sadness, anxiety, emotional breakdowns) and that usually fades by the 2nd week postpartum. But when the depression sticks around don't feel ashamed to talk to your doctor about it! 

Ppd is much more severe than baby blues. Things like anxiety, depression, exhaustion, disinterest in baby, extreme mood changes, excessive crying, insomnia, loss of appetite, and more are symptoms of ppd. 

I am currently battling from postpartum depression and I am not ashamed. Well, I  ashamed, but I'm trying not to be. 

It started for me when I was unable to breastfeed. On day 3 of Kendall's life I saw little orange crystals in her diaper and thanks to Dr Google I was afraid it was from dehydration. Then in the same day I started seeing yellow in the whites of her eyes and her face and neck appeared to be yellowing. I was in a lot of pain from breastfeeding and I was just getting really down. 

When we went to her first pediatric appointment on day 5 of her life Dr Wilkinson confirmed that she was indeed jaundiced, had been dehydrated (the crystals were from dehydration), and she had lost 11oz which was 9% of her birth weight. After that appointment I cried all day. 

That evening I decided to give up on breastfeeding because my baby was not doing well with it. Did I give up too soon? Maybe. But it was the right thing to do. 

After deciding to give her formula we realized we had no idea what to give her, how much, or how often. Since I was going to breastfeed my hospital didn't talk about formula one time with me. So I called my amazing sister-in-law, Kelli, who came over to calm me and help me at 9pm. 

I assumed after we got the feeding thing all figured out that my "baby blues" would begin to fade. But they didn't. The symptoms got worse. I called my doctor who quickly put me back on the medication I was on for anxiety before pregnancy. 

I have been on the medication for 10 days now and have seen zero improvement. In fact, symptoms are worse now than before the medicine. I feel inadequate because I can't put my baby back to sleep after her nighttime feeding, she fights me to eat (she will hold the bottle in her mouth and then gag on the formula that's dripped out, she'll jerk her head around and grunt), but she doesn't do that with Josh or my mother-in-law, or my mom. 

I was told by some friends that she is feeding off my anxiety and tension. She is acting this way to me because she can feel that I am tense and anxious.

I have had some friends who had ppd and they didn't seek help for months. Watching them go through that was awful. I knew that if I had ppd symptoms I would seek help immediately, and I did. The fact that the help I've received isn't working is so upsetting, because I'm trying so hard to fix this. And I'll keep trying until we have it fixed, because my baby needs me 100% and healthy.

If you know someone who is experiencing ppd don't judge them for it. It's a natural part of the pregnancy journey for some. If you are experiencing ppd don't be ashamed. Seek help and get well. If for nothing else, get well for your baby!

Kendall: 1 month 5.22.13

Our sweet Kendall Brooke,

     You are 1 month old today! I can't believe it has been 1 whole month since your big day! In that short amount of time you have shown Daddy and I how we can love someone so tiny in the biggest way possible. 

     You are beginning to show your little personality and we can't wait to see how much bigger it gets. I tell your daddy how I think you'll be sassy (like mama). You throw your hands in front of your face when anyone bothers you while sleeping. It's the cutest thing :)

     You love to snuggle with mama every morning at promptly at 5am. You are sleeping quite well for a newborn. You go to bed between 9 & 10pm and usually sleep until 2am when daddy gets up and feeds you. Then you'll sleep until about 5am when we get up and go to the couch so daddy can sleep. I usually change and feed you, and then we go back to sleep until 7 or 8.

     You don't hate tummy time, but it puts you to sleep. You love laying on daddy's chest. I think it's probably your favorite place to be. You like your swing and you love your bouncer as long as it's vibrating.

    We are so proud of you, sweet girl! We look forward to watching you grow into the awesome little lady we know you'll be. We love you more than life! Happy 1 month birthday.

-Mama & Daddy