17 Weeks :)

I am 17 weeks & 3 days pregnant today! This is huge!! We are getting more and more excited about seeing our baby girl again in just 11 days on my big 20 week ultrasound :) I just wanted to update with belly pics throughout the pregnancy thus far. I've been slacking on keeping my blog updated. Here goes! Starting with the earliest pics first :)

And now on to 17 weeks :) 

How far along? 17 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: +7lbs
Maternity clothes? I am rocking the maternity jeans and leggings :)
Stretch marks? On my belly :(
Sleep: I’m sleeping fairly well, aside from the 3-4 potty breaks a night.
Best moment this week: Listening to our Kendall on Doppler every night.
Miss Anything? Dr. Pepper!!!
Movement: I feel little flutters and twitches
Food cravings: I have been craving philly cheese steaks and Taco Bell
Anything making you queasy or sick: When I don’t eat soon enough, I get sick and hangry.
Have you started to show yet: Yep
Gender: It’s a Girl!!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Both
Weekly Wisdom: Stay hydrated. When I need water, I cramp. :-/
Looking forward to: Getting Kendall’s bedding in the mail!!!

A letter to our daughter :)

Kendall,
     
       Your daddy and I got to see you a couple weeks ago. Like most ultrasounds so far, you were dancing around in there! We got to share that moment with your Nena and Pop & your Nana Papa. Daddy and I were pretty impatient as the tech measured your little head, belly, and femur. She looked at all your little organs and even showed us your 4 chambers in your heart :) You looked perfect in there!!

       Then she asked for our guesses of gender. Pop and I said BOY! Daddy, Nana and Papa all said GIRL! Nena said she wasn't sure ;) The tech looked around at a few different angles for any boy parts sticking out. She couldn't find any so she started looking closer in between your legs. When I told her I thought I saw a "hamburger" she zoomed in and looked and said "Looks like a GIRL!" I was in complete disbelief because I just knew you were a boy ;) (Way to surprise mama like that!!) I started crying tears of complete joy and your daddy was just beaming with happiness! We are so excited to be having a sweet little girl!

      We get to see you again in another 11 days and we are so excited! We can't wait to see how much you've grown and to see your tiny little features again :)

      You are so blessed to have such amazing men in your life to protect you and baby you. (the way my daddy did me ;)) Your Pop will spoil you rotten and your daddy is so excited to have a girl :) I pray I can be the mama to you that my mama is to me! She has been my biggest supporter in life, my best friend, my confidante, and the best mama a girl could have!

      I have been so excited about raising a little girl that I finally talked daddy into letting me order your nursery bedding! It's beautiful. Your room will be purple, aqua, and gray.

      I don't know how I can wait another 5 months to hold you in my arms and kiss your tiny nose. Daddy has started reading books to you at night :) He says he looks so forward to story time with you as you grow up.

     Until we get to hold you in our arms, your big brother is in Heaven watching over you. I wish, so much, that you were able to meet him on this earth one day. I know he would be so proud of you!

We love you, sweet baby girl.
-Mama and Daddy

It's a GIRL!!!

We are so excited to the share the big news about Miss Kendall!

 We went and had an elective gender ultrasound done this past weekend and learned that we are having a sweet little girl! :) I was just absolutely positive I was having a boy....I was wrong! My parents and Josh's parents came with us and it was so amazing to see that little tiny 6oz baby dancing around in there. She is perfect! We saw her 10 tiny fingers and toes, her heart pumping away, her chubby little belly, and her little girly parts ;) I was 15w6d and she was measuring at 16w1-3d. So still 2-4 days ahead! Josh is so excited! He wanted a little girl so badly. I can't wait to see him with her :)

Here are a few pitcures we got of her

 Here is her sweet little profile :)

 Here she is rubbing her eyes/face and has her little legs crossed.

And this one shows her little girly parts! Right in between her legs are 3 little lines. This indicates a girl :)

We are so excited to add Kendall Brooke to our family in 5 months!!

14 weeks pregnant & Deja Vu

Just 16 weeks ago to this day we got the most heart wrenching news of our lives. We learned that our first baby had died. I was 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant when we got that news. We knew something wasn't right before we saw his little lifeless body that day, but we still held on to some thread of hope.

Today I am 14 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I am terrified of losing this little life, as well. My mind goes places I know it shouldn't go. I think about that day and wonder when it's going to happen with this little one. I just try and stay busy so as not to dwell on those thoughts.

The difference with this pregnancy is that I feel very pregnant. I listen to Milo's little heart beat every day and I can hear him/her moving around. The little heart beat moves up higher and higher every few days and I know that little life is growing! Last time, the heart beat was in the same spot every day. We never heard that movement like we do this time. And my symptoms mostly faded away. I chalked that up to being the second trimester last time, but in reality I should have known something was wrong.

In just 6 short days we will pass a milestone that I have been looking forward to since August 28th. I will be past the 15 week mark. It's not significant to most pregnancies. But, it is to ours. We never made it to 15 weeks before. It will be huge every week thereafter. And in just 12 short days the biggest milestone we have anticipated thus far! We will know whether our Milo needs pink or blue :)

I have disconnected myself from this pregnancy a lot. I haven't bought anything but a few baby and children's books, a pack of blue Calvin Klein onesies and a pack of pink Calvin Klein onesies, a few gender neutral things and that's all. I feel bad for not connecting with this baby like I did with Otis, but I know it's just a defense mechanism. I can't wait until I feel relieved enough to delve into our planning this baby's nursery and life. :)

Josh is so excited about Milo. He woke me up this morning and told me he had been thinking about our Milo since he woke up :) That makes me so happy! He says he can't wait to set up the nursery in our new house this winter. Neither can I! I can't wait until I'm at a point mentally that I can do that!

So today, I am pregnant.

12 Weeks Later...

12 weeks ago today we lost our baby. July 17th, 2012 was, to date, the worst day of our lives. We were stripped of our first baby, our experience to be parents, and the innocence we had. We miss that sweet baby every day. We think about him, the person he would be, the way he would look, very often.

Now, just 12 short weeks later, I am 10 weeks pregnant. (I will be further along by the time I post this. This is as of October 8, 2012). Right after we decided to give it a break and wait a while before we tried to have a kiddo again, God had other plans for us and this sweet baby. I actually had NO idea I was pregnant until August 28th, 2012 when I happened to take a pregnancy test after getting positive OPKs for 8 days straight. Much to my surprise, it was *very* positive. So were the other 5 tests I took that week.

I called my doctor in complete shock, and told them I had gotten multiple positive tests. I went in that afternoon for a HCG quant. My numbers came back at 268, then less than two days later it was 575. After that second draw, I started spotting. My doctor did another quant a few days later and it was 4075. I was put on casual bedrest and told to wait until September 25th and if the pregnancy was viable we would find out then.

We had no way of knowing how far along I was, because after I had the D&C my cycle was so messed up we weren't really sure when my LMP was. I called the doctor and begged to have an ultrasound done sooner, as I couldn't mentally wait that long. The fact that I was pregnant at all, is quite a miracle. Because with a D&C they scrape the lining completely clean. That means there should have been nothing for that little baby to implant to and hang on to.

I went in for an ultrasound on September 4th, 2012. Baby was measuring 5w1d. There was a gestational sac and a yolk sac. No fetal pole yet. The doctor called me that evening and told me everything was there except for a heartbeat. She said if we had waited just a few days longer, we could have picked up the heartbeat. She scheduled me for another scan a week later.

On September 12, I went back in for another ultrasound. I was terrified. I just knew there would be no heartbeat. When they brought that tiny little baby up on the screen, the tech said, "There's baby....and there's the heart beat!" I cried. I cried with tears of joy, tears of relief, and tears of guilt. Josh just held my hand and watched that screen. Baby's heart rate was 120bpm. That night, Dr. Collins called me and said everything looked perfect and all was measuring perfect. She wanted to see me back in a week for my first prenatal appointment.

On September 17, Josh and I drove up to Fayetteville to see Dr. Collins for my first official appointment. I wasn't really expecting another ultrasound, but I sure was happy to get one! She brought baby up on the screen and the development over one week was absolutely amazing! You could make out baby's little body, head, and legs. The heart beat was flickering away so fast!! She flipped the sound on and we heard that heartbeat loud and clear at 154bpm. I cried, again :) She said baby was measuring between 7w2d and 7w3d. That was 1 or 2 days ahead!! Grow, baby, grow!!

I am now waiting for my 11 week appointment to come around. I go back to see Dr. Collins again on Monday, October 15th.

I actually found the baby's heart beat on my doppler today (Tuesday, October 7, 2012) at 10w2d :) It was a approximately 170bpm :) I recorded it and texted it to Josh. He was so happy to hear it!

EDIT:I started spotting again last night (10-10-12) Called my doc first thing that morning and they had me come in for an ultrasound. Baby is measuring 4 days ahead making measurements 11w1d instead of 10w4d :) That puts my due date at May 1, 2013. Heart rate was 167bpm. Baby was wiggling around, dancing, waving, kicking. It was precious. Here's a great picture of our little Milo :)

Here is one more baby picture and a few fun announcement photos!!

Anyway, all this to bring you up to date and get it out of my head. Unfortunately, I won't be posting this blog until closer to 13 weeks. We are waiting to announce this pregnancy for a while. Not because we are afraid of another miscarriage and having to tell everyone about it. Because I would still tell everyone about it. But, just because we are more comfortable waiting a while.

We are so excited to welcome this little life into our lives, but we could never replace our Otis. He was our first baby. He will always be our little Otis. We will never forget him. We will never stop celebrating and remembering his little life. We will incorporate his life into the lives of our future children.

Edited to add- It is now 14 & 1/2 weeks later and I am 12 weeks and 5 days pregnant :) Measuring 4 days ahead. Due date is Cinco De Mayo!! 5/5/2013 :)

Memories....

After learning of a friend going through the devastating loss of her sweet baby, it brings back so many difficult memories. I am so glad I am able to be there for women experiencing what I have, but it's not fair. It's not fair for any of us to know this pain. 

We lost our boy 13 weeks and 3 days ago. The pain I feel today is just as strong as it was that day. They say, "Time heals all wounds". I don't know who "they" is, but they are idiots, and so wrong. The day of my D&C procedure was so difficult. I haven't talked about the feelings I had that day, because I've tried so hard to block that all out. But, in all reality it can't be blocked out. 

Josh had an appointment with a specialist that morning, and I knew he may miss my procedure. My mom and Ryan took me to the hospital while Josh's mom took him to his appointment. When I first got there, the lady took my insurance info and my ID. She told me how much my procedure would cost and all I could think was how can you put a price on the death of my child? I don't care how much it costs! 

When it was my turn to go back to pre-op, Josh hadn't made it back to the hospital yet. I went back alone. The nurses were so sweet. They got me all hooked up with my IV, started running the antibiotics and saline. They asked me 21 questions, some were easy to answer and some weren't. When they asked me a hard question that made me cry, they just apologized. Finally when they were done my mom and sister were able to come back with me. Jake was there, too. :) He kept my mood light. I broke down and cried a few times. Just 5 minutes before they took me back for my procedure Josh and his mom got there. Josh came back and held me for a few minutes. I cried. I cried out of anger, confusion, being scared for my procedure, frustration...I just cried. 

My nurse told me my doctor was ready early and we could go back earlier. I said bye to my family through tears. The nurse wheeled me to a little holding room where she said my anesthesiologist came in and talked to me. He asked me the same questions. He was really great, explained everything to me, and made me feel like he was there for me that day. After he left I was just left there to wait for my doctor to get ready. I waited for what felt like an eternity. It was only about 10 minutes. I laid there in that bed cold and crying. I was so alone and so scared. I prayed to God for understanding. I asked him "Why?" I cursed him. I laid there holding onto my belly and telling my dead baby how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. 

Finally the nurse came and got me and wheeled me into the OR. It was cold, white, and scary in there! Dr Bell was talking to me as he was giving me the knock out meds. I was talking to him one minute, then my arms went limp and I was gone.

The next thing I remember was waking up in post op with a sore throat and cramps so bad the pain meds weren't touching it. I woke up crying. They gave me more pain meds, gave me a Dr Pepper, and told me to rest for a few minutes. When I was finally awake enough my mom and Josh got to come back with me. We had to hang out there for a while until I was able to urinate on my own and get dressed. 

When I arrived at that hospital that morning, I was 14w5d pregnant. When I left that hospital, I was no longer pregnant. 

The very next day I no longer felt pregnant. The symptoms were gone. I cramped badly for a few days. It was just reminder that I no longer had my little baby. I am still very bitter about my loss. 

I hate seeing people go through a loss like this. It's not fair. It's not right. And it's not natural. No one should know the pain of losing a baby. It takes away every ounce of innocence a woman has in pregnancy. I will never be able to fully enjoy a pregnancy again because I know better. Whenever someone announces an early pregnancy on facebook all I can think is, "Oh no...now if something happens they have to un-announce that pregnancy." But you know what, good for them for having the balls to announce that early!! At least then they can enjoy their pregnancy. 

Anyway, just had to get this all off my chest. Today, I still think about that baby everyday. I wonder who he would've been. I wonder if he felt any pain while he was dying. I wonder what I could have done to keep him alive. There is nothing anyone can say that makes feel better. Once you experience a loss such as this, you no longer worry what people will think of your thought process or you grief process. I don't care if you like this blog post. I don't care if you like my facebook posts. This is my outlet. This is my healing process. 

We're coming home :)

It's been a while since I've posted and let me tell ya, a lot has happened! A few weeks ago, a friend told Josh about a job opening at Prince Drug in Fort Smith. He was still trying to recover from his injury and had just gone back to work at USA, so he asked around about the position and kind of shrugged it off. A week later, Prince Drug management called Josh and really wanted to talk to him about the position. We went to Fort Smith last Saturday and Josh went in to talk to the owner. He was very negative about it and basically felt it would be a waste of his time, thinking they would expect him to buy into the company. Obviously, we can't do that right now after all that's happened to us. Anyway, my mom and I kept telling just be positive about it! He went on in to the store and was there for over an hour talking to the guys! After he got done, he called me and said, "I feel really good about it!" We of course said, "I told you so!" We talked about it, prayed about it, and weighed the pros and cons. We decided IF they offered him the job, we would take it. The next day, Sunday at 1pm, they called and offered him the job! This is a huge answer to prayer!
Since we suffered the loss of Otis, I have prayed and prayed that God would send us something to get us back home. After all we've been through, all I want is to be close to our families. This job fell in our laps and could not have been anything other than a gift from God. It is better money, better hours, an independent pharmacy with opportunity to own when ready, much better opportunity for Josh.
Anyway, we are moving this weekend!! We will be staying primarily with Josh's parents, but some with mine as well until our townhome here rents out and we find a house to rent. (If any of you know of a nice 3bd 2bath home with fenced in backyard for rent in the FSM/VB area, please let me know!)
So, we have A LOT going on in our lives right now, more than meets the eye, and we need all the prayer we can get! I can't wait to update you all in a few weeks after we get settled back at "home". :)

Thank you all for the prayers and thoughts! Keep em coming!